6 Kinds of People You Shouldn’t Bring to Coffee


If you’ve read anything I’ve written you’ve probably figured out by now that I enjoy a good cup of a coffee.

Like any true coffee snob I believe the best cup of coffee is the one I make at home with my french press.

However, this is not to say that I don’t go out to coffee regularly. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t stop by one of my favorite coffee shops around town. Whether its Java Hutt in Ferndale, Starbucks in Royal Oak or the Kosher coffee house Chazzano, a happy moment in each day is when I stop for a moment to read and enjoy a good cup of coffee.

Sitting here at Starbucks this morning it dawned on me that there are good coffee house customers and bad coffee house customers. Of course, most people who walk in a coffee house are generally of the ‘good kind’ but sadly, there are a few people that when they see a coffee house should keep on walking.

6 Kinds of People You Shouldn’t Bring to Coffee

6) The smelly person.

95.6% of the enjoyment in being at a coffee house is the fantastic aroma of coffee beans. Whether espresso, dark roast or light, The aroma of coffee beans brewing is most likely the only perfect thing left on earth that humanity hasn’t corrupted through pollution.

Thus, smelly people in a coffee shops are about as welcome as a mouse in a stampede of elephants. Smelly people: please don’t come in.

5) The loud talker

Coffee shops are a place for conversation and often those conversations will get a little loud, that’s okay. But; don’t get so loud that I can hear your every syllable from across the room. If I am eight tables away and I can hear you talking about your one night stand with a mongoose from Montreal, than your talking to loud.

4) The Valley Girl

The Valley Girl should like, skip the coffee house and like, totally hang out at the mall and like totally drink something other than like coffee, cause like, I don’t want people to like associate coffee drinking with like, those, like, you know, girls.

3) The Cream & Sugar Dude

You can spot the 20 something Guido or Gorilla who just doesn’t belong in the coffee house scene. They are the one by the garbage can in the muscle shirt and greasy hair dumping out half of their Grande Coffee and replacing it with gallons of cream and sugar. There is so much cream & sugar in their drink it is actually no longer coffee, it has altered its form and become something closer in kin to Kool-Aid with milk.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with milk and a little sweetener in your coffee; its called a latte. The Cream & Sugar Dude would be better served dining at McDonald’s with the other little children.

2) The Parent with the running around child.

We could actually list the Parent with the running around child as someone who probably doesn’t belong in a lot of places; book stores, restaurants, museums, Massage Parlors etc. Coffee shops are a definite NO for the parent with the running around child.

What sucks the most is usually the Parent thinks their little Sally is so cute; ‘oh, the whole world thinks my child is so sweet and they all love seeing her run around this coffee shop like its her playroom”


And finally, the worst offender when it comes to coffee house customers;

1) The person who brings McDonald’s food into the coffee house!

On Tuesday I was at the Starbucks in Southfield, Michigan and a dude sits down next to me with a fresh smelling (it was so foul) bag of McDonald’s and a large soda. He had a burger, french fries and some god awful soft drink.

The smell was nauseous.

Why he couldn’t have stayed at McDonald’s I have no clue.

What was he doing in Starbucks? It was as though he woke up that morning with the express purpose of ruining my coffee house experience.

I tried to finish my reading but after five minutes I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and left.

An hour later I stopped at a different Starbucks and life was oh so much better.


Categories: Coffee, Culture & Society

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7 replies

  1. LOL, I died laughing at this! Too true and spot on. I think you should add “hipsters” in with the muscle men because they’re just the same sometimes 😛 Nothing more annoying than someone going to a coffee shop to order a sandwich, take up 3 chairs for their Macbook and scoff at every song/person they hear/see.

  2. Ha ha good one….I wrote that post while sitting at Starbucks and hipsters slipped my mind because the ones in metro Detroit are too pretentious to go to Starbucks….they are all at the independent coffee houses (which I admit I frequent too), the most popular hipster coffee house in Detroit serves beer and wine; big surprise right lol

  3. I used to swear by french pressed coffee. Then I tried a pour over. Seriously. Try a pour over.

    • Gabetwee,

      I have/do use a pour over…but I am a stubborn coffee snob…I still love my french press 🙂

      Especially since I drink a lot of dark roast, I want the grounds to really soak into the water, and I mix them for a moment as well…..bit harder to do with a pour over…..but a pour over is still good 🙂

  4. I’m the loud fucking talker. Sorry.

    Just waiting (really) for an older, wiser person to approach me and say “You don’t know the FIRST THING about relationships. You are an idiot.” And then turn to my girlfriend and say “Do NOT listen to this girl.”

    Tee hee 🙂


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