Are we really back here again?

what are we looking at


by Kenneth Justice

~Do you ever experience those moments with people where you realize someone has been talking for a few minutes……and you have no idea what they just said because you were completely zoned out?

Yesterday, I ran into a coffee house acquaintance I hadn’t seen in awhile and before I realized it; she had gone into a nearly 10 minute update on the ins-and-outs of her on-again / off-again relationship…..and I hadn’t heard one word she said.

Of course, this particular acquaintance has broke-up with her boyfriend so many times and come crying to me in the past that I can imagine what she may have said;

“I finally realized the relationship was unhealthy”

“But I just missed him soooo much”

“I’m better without him”

“But I need to be with him”

For a split-second I felt guilty for having zoned out….but a quick sip of my coffee and the guilt subsided….

I wasn’t trying to be rude toward this acquaintance and fortunately I knew the right buzz words to to pick up the conversation as though I had been deeply invested in her monologue,

“So, do you think you and the boyfriend are moving in a positive direction now?” I asked

I really don’t mean to sound sarcastic or rude toward this young female acquaintance of mine….but I have slowly become more and more aware of a new addiction that young people are experiencing; Addiction to love……and it is one of the addictions in life I hate the most. 

I earned my Certification in Chemical Addictions Counseling a few years ago and I am becoming ever more convinced that the same types of addictive behaviors people express towards chemicals like alcohol and drugs…….are also the types of addictive behaviors they are experiencing in their relationships.

A lot of young men and women have love addiction.

Whether it is because as a child their parent(s) were alcoholics, un-loving, or simply just s****y parents, these children grew up in environments that were not conducive to the necessary nurturing they needed and now as adults; they are addicted to feeling in love.

One of the key components of love addiction is that these people value their boyfriends (or girlfriends) more deeply than they value themselves…..

This is why they tolerate unhealthy relationships; because they don’t have a healthy respect for their own self.

The reason I have a difficult time dealing with people who are addicted to love….is that these people are often in greater denial than an alcoholic or drug addict.

And lets be honest; people who are in denial can be difficult to deal with….right?

I hate denial……A lot;

–> Relatives who treat you like s**t and refuse to realize how annoying they are

–> Co-workers who are busybodies but think they are awesome employees

–> Managers who have no people-skills but think they are ‘all that’

–> Religious leaders who fail their people but think they are god’s gift to humanity

So to all of you people living in denial, how bout a cup of coffee this morning with a shot of truth instead of creme and sugar!

Personally, I like my coffee black,




Categories: relationships

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

16 replies

  1. I think you are right. Any need or desire can be an addiction, and however healthy the thing may be on its own, it tends to become unhealthy as an addiction. I would go further and say that we are all of us addicts to one thing or another. It could be relatively benign (like, say, to coffee?) but it can be to love as well as money or heroin. This must be why it is so hard for women to leave an abusive relationship, I assume.
    It seems to me that the Bible pictures our sinfulness as essentially an addiction to evil of one form or another. It says “slave to sin” but addiction is a form of slavery, isn’t it? I am no counselor – math is my training – but does this ring at all true? A pastor ought to be like a spiritual addictions counselor, but it doesn’t work out like that in practice.

    • I agree. We can get addicted to all sorts of things. Personally, I think I have a fantasy addiction. It’s not a recognised addiction if you look in books and stuff, but if you look around on the Internet there’s loads of people with it. There’s loads of people who are ruining their lives by getting stuck in books, role-playing games, films and (the most dangerous) creative writing. And when it gets really bad, when I can’t seem to leave the stories and get on with my life despite recognising the detrimental effect of this, it really does feel like slavery.
      God is doing a lot of work with me on this. It’s something I address a lot in my blog and generally categorise it under temptation. My blog is kind of a controlled release for the creative writing. I only write poems because they end. Stories never end – even when you run out of pages. The hardest thing about fantasy addiction is that there’s no external limits; fantasy is always freely available.

  2. Good morning! I never see your post on my FB feed. But this morning as I was scrolling down my to see all the happenings I came across this post. I was so happy! I enjoy reading what you have to say even if I don’t always agree with your philosophy. However, this morning you and I are on the same page when it comes to people being addicts for love.

    Sadly, I don’t think “love” addictions are limited to the young. I think the young learned it from their parents. I think the starvation for love is a generational thing. I know it is so for my family.

    Decades ago I did something foolish to changed the course of my life to where I was forced into counseling. It took 20 years of counseling plus everyday commitment to keep me on track about what is important in life.

    Some days, if not every day, I feel my life was wasted. Mainly, because, I went looking for love in all the wrong places. Now that I am older and looking back, I wished I had saved my monies I foolishly spent on men in some form or another. Especially since I want 4 ATV’s. Only if I had saved that money! I could pay cash for new ones! Instead of sitting and wishing I had them. Oh! The cost we pay for the illusion of love! Have a great one.

  3. It took me years of therapy and self discovery to figure this out…you have described me in this one. Its all true!

  4. The incredibly delusional nature of love addiction is fed by pride. The one that wants everyone to see how adored and loved they are is really most selfish and unloving. Look how Awesome I am. In reality the people that they need to adore them are interchangeable.This is so sad for the people that get drawn in by their web of need and insecurity. The children of these fucked up people are never loved at all.

  5. is it love addiction or just needyness? i agree that it’s unhealthy and it probably stems from some lack of self-respect/love somewhere. i suppose it could be about selfishness and being egocentric, but when i’ve come across these folks, it’s because they can’t figure out they deserve better than a mediocre relationship; they are confusing the bad with the good so to speak or as you said, in denial. the truth is painful to look at and then when they do look at it, they tend to overblame themselves and end up in another deadend relationship. seems to me they don’t have enough self-worth and often don’t understand that love is supposed to look like. it’s all very unfortunate, and usually pretty annoying for the rest of us. as a really independent woman myself, it’s hard to deal with needy people and yet, i can’t imagine how much it sucks to feel that insecure all the time. i figure it can’t be all that fun for them either.

  6. Good insight and cutting through the crap! Namaste. . . .Anne

  7. Beautifully said, Kenneth.

  8. I am addicted to love..and that makes me someone you hate..but then..some hate love and others love to hate..finding any reason to turn it into a cause..sounds justified?
    I don’t know..but phenomena is common..speed in dating..that is not love..its like throw a huge net and then few escape others you dump ..after you interrogated them all and found out..after checking inside out..not your type..hunters were hunters then and now too..just a bit of a difference..earlier we were sure they were after that has also changed..tusk tusk 🙂

  9. I couldn’t resist singing “Addicted to Love,” in my head while reading this. Yeah, I agree, a lot of people are addicted to love, to the rush of emotions that come from a new and/or unhealthy relationship. I think it’s because a lot of people lack coping tools and a basic foundation for maintaining healthy relationships. I mean, I was raised in a Christian home, homeschooled, and I’ve told you how I ended up in a very abusive, awful, unhealthy relationship, for 5 years; I grew up with lots of love, but not lots of an understanding how to stand up for myself, or to value myself above someone else in a relationship, or how to just even navigate the ins and outs of a relationship. Nothing teaches better than experience though, so I guess in the end, I’m ok with having gone through all of the ugliness I went through. Great post. Now I think I need a Starbucks Carmel Frappuccino 😉

  10. Everyone has said it all. But Beautifully said and so true

  11. People in denial. Many are. Not many want to admit it though, as they go about being “all that.” What might happen if these very people, suddenly realise their own doings? Would they be apologetic? Would they work on self improvement? Then again, are people allowed to be in denial? I think that denial has a place for a short time, such as shock, loss of a loved one, loss of employment. However, accepting the reality of any situation, has to kick in soon enough though! well, one would hope. Right?

  12. I see so many young people addicted to unhealthy relationships, and it makes me both sad and angry. And these days the mantra is, “You can’t help who you love!”…as if that somehow justifies throwing their lives (and their children’s lives) away on some apathetic, abusive loser. Perhaps they think that if they can convince this disinterested person to love them, that will say more about their internal worth than being in relationship with someone who is naturally a kind, generous lover-at-heart. In any case, it makes me ill. I’m daily thankful to have a husband who treats me like a human being with all the respect and love I feel like I deserve!

  13. That happens many times to me, distracted. But when people keeps whining about the same thing and never doing anything to improve their situation that’s the time when I stay away from that conversation. These people just want affirmation that they are making the right choices which is very sad.

  14. Interesting how I choose to read this post about zoning out (something I’m quite vulnerable to with my busy mind), it turned into a post about relationship addiction. Lovely how you describe this phenomena, it got me thinking; is it really an addiction or is it the need to live up to selfmade expectations? Or expectations made by society, not wanting to be a failure? Thanks for posting anyway!

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