by Kenneth Justice
~ A coffee house acquaintance of mine recently got out of a bad relationship. She is young, single, and wondering.
“Maybe I just need to stay away from a relationship for awhile because I just keep choosing the wrong kind of guy to date” she said “But then there is sex……I really don’t want to give up having sex”
What’s a single woman to do?
Is it healthy for a single woman to date men casually in order to get laid once in awhile? That was the question she posed to me over a cup of coffee recently.
Being the ever non-committal counselor I didn’t give her a definitive answer – So what would you have told her?
We’ve all heard a million-times-over; women who sleep around are sluts BUT men who sleep around are studs.
It’s a double-standard that has existed in Western Culture for as long as any of us can remember. Has there ever been a society where women could have casual sex and not be condemned as a ‘slut’?
I suspect it is connected to the mothering aspect of women; we don’t like to think of our mothers who nurtured us from infancy as sexual beings that get down and dirty with random guys just for the ‘hell of it’.
Having grown up in Evangelical Christian culture the double-standard was always present; a Christian young man could ‘accidentally’ hook up with his non-Christian girlfriend and it was considered a ‘poor choice’. But if a christian young woman slept with her boyfriend; she was clearly in rebellion against god and her father.
I’m neither condoning or encouraging a single woman to casually ‘hook-up’ with random men….but it has always fascinated me that we hold women to a higher standard in the area of sexual ethics.
Do we view women as ethically superior to men?
Do we view women as morally superior?
Do we view women as sexually superior?
Why are we so non-nonchalant toward the sexual behaviors of men but so damn strict toward the sexual standard we hold women to?
A relative once told me, “Women who sleep around wear it on their face”. This relative of mine was convinced that when a woman sleeps around with a lot of men it begins to wear on their face the way smoking dries out your skin over time. I’ve never heard of any scientific proof to support this position and I’ve always thought it odd that this relative didn’t believe the same theory held-true towards men who sleep around also.
The sexual liberation of the 1960’s supposedly changed the bar for women with regards to their sexual behavior….but more than 50 years later here we are discussing the same things they were arguing about back then; will another 50 years make much of a difference? When the ball drops in the year 2063 will women finally be allowed to ‘sleep around’ and not be judged for it?
To be honest with you; I don’t think the bar will ever even out in this area. I suspect that the very nature of women being mothers will always effect the way humanity as a whole views women; we just don’t look at mothers and fathers in the same way.
Perhaps the problem isn’t that we need to drop the bar for women…….but rather; perhaps we should raise the bar for men?
Maybe we need to quit saying, ‘boys will be boys’.
Sitting at coffee recently I overheard two wealthy business men (who were sitting right next to me) talk about their experience at the club over the past weekend. One of the men said, “Man, this one bartender was so hot I couldn’t stop drooling over her all night. Finally, when I got her alone I offered her a grand to let me [insert a very explicit sexual act] her….but she turned me down”
Examples like that occur every weekend all across the Western World. Many women turn men like that down…..and other women accept the money. But its not the women I have a problem with; its the men who have reduced women to nothing more than something they can buy.
For many men, women are nothing more than a fancy car, Rolex watch, or shiny suit; women are something they try to obtain.
Many men have reduced women to nothing more than objects.
This is one reason why a lot of women have told me they prefer having gay men as friends rather than heterosexual men; because they don’t feel objectified by their gay friends.
Is there an answer to all these questions?
I don’t know…….
I do know that I’m due for another cup of coffee right now,