The Single Woman & Sex……Really???

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by Kenneth Justice

~ A coffee house acquaintance of mine recently got out of a bad relationship. She is young, single, and wondering.

“Maybe I just need to stay away from a relationship for awhile because I just keep choosing the wrong kind of guy to date” she said  “But then there is sex……I really don’t want to give up having sex”

What’s a single woman to do?

Is it healthy for a single woman to date men casually in order to get laid once in awhile? That was the question she posed to me over a cup of coffee recently.

Being the ever non-committal counselor I didn’t give her a definitive answer – So what would you have told her?

We’ve all heard a million-times-over; women who sleep around are sluts BUT men who sleep around are studs.

It’s a double-standard that has existed in Western Culture for as long as any of us can remember. Has there ever been a society where women could have casual sex and not be condemned as a ‘slut’?

I suspect it is connected to the mothering aspect of women; we don’t like to think of our mothers who nurtured us from infancy as sexual beings that get down and dirty with random guys just for the ‘hell of it’.

Having grown up in Evangelical Christian culture the double-standard was always present; a Christian young man could ‘accidentally’ hook up with his non-Christian girlfriend and it was considered a ‘poor choice’. But if a christian young woman slept with her boyfriend; she was clearly in rebellion against god and her father.

I’m neither condoning or encouraging a single woman to casually ‘hook-up’ with random men….but it has always fascinated me that we hold women to a higher standard in the area of sexual ethics.

Do we view women as ethically superior to men?

Do we view women as morally superior?

Do we view women as sexually superior?

Why are we so non-nonchalant toward the sexual behaviors of men but so damn strict toward the sexual standard we hold women to?

A relative once told me, “Women who sleep around wear it on their face”. This relative of mine was convinced that when a woman sleeps around with a lot of men it begins to wear on their face the way smoking dries out your skin over time. I’ve never heard of any scientific proof to support this position and I’ve always thought it odd that this relative didn’t believe the same theory held-true towards men who sleep around also.

The sexual liberation of the 1960’s supposedly changed the bar for women with regards to their sexual behavior….but more than 50 years later here we are discussing the same things they were arguing about back then; will another 50 years make much of a difference? When the ball drops in the year 2063 will women finally be allowed to ‘sleep around’ and not be judged for it?

To be honest with you; I don’t think the bar will ever even out in this area. I suspect that the very nature of women being mothers will always effect the way humanity as a whole views women; we just don’t look at mothers and fathers in the same way.

Perhaps the problem isn’t that we need to drop the bar for women…….but rather; perhaps we should raise the bar for men?

Maybe we need to quit saying, ‘boys will be boys’.

Sitting at coffee recently I overheard two wealthy business men  (who were sitting right next to me) talk about their experience at the club over the past weekend. One of the men said, “Man, this one bartender was so hot I couldn’t stop drooling over her all night. Finally, when I got her alone I offered her a grand to let me [insert a very explicit sexual act] her….but she turned me down”

Examples like that occur every weekend all across the Western World. Many women turn men like that down…..and other women accept the money. But its not the women I have a problem with; its the men who have reduced women to nothing more than something they can buy.

For many men, women are nothing more than a fancy car, Rolex watch, or shiny suit; women are something they try to obtain.

Many men have reduced women to nothing more than objects.

This is one reason why a lot of women have told me they prefer having gay men as friends rather than heterosexual men; because they don’t feel objectified by their gay friends.

Is there an answer to all these questions?

I don’t know…….

I do know that I’m due for another cup of coffee right now,

Kenneth



Categories: relationships, sex

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

35 replies

  1. I know the answer is different for each person. How can I say go and have casual sex to anybody, if I don’t know his/hers whereabouts. It is like giving a blank check to a compulsive gambler. And it is not just about women.

  2. Is it any wonder then that there are so many single men and women out there? When men objectify women, women are simply turned off.

  3. Fantastic post and a lot of food for thought. This is a conversation I have with my friends frequently and I’m not sure you the answer. Is there an answer?

  4. More self esteem all around. I believe that men slack on communication skills because they are hiding from themselves. If they value a woman as a friend she will need to be given his heart. That is risky business for a emotionally unavailable man. Women who screw around without regard to a man’s feelings are acting out a control issue perhaps. It may be her only value she puts on herself. Work to be done.

  5. Women were expected to be with only one many because that was the only way a man could be sure the children she had were his. Times have changed. And women’s sexuality is a CONTROL issue. Society always tries to control women, by any means necessary. Sex is one more thing they must enforce. Crude name calling is simply one way to try and make sure women don’t have sex, at least not with a lot of people. Disinformation…women don’t like, need, or want sex, is another way of pretending that women don’t have the same urges as men. There’s nothing strange about it. It’s all about control. women aren’t supposed to cheat on their husbands but they are expected to forgive the men. Men don’t realize how many women are cheating on them and they probably wouldn’t believe it if they found out their wives were one of those women. Control, control, control. And women have always been seen as property of one man or another. Forced dependency was just one more way of CONTROLLING what women could do. In some con tries it is still obvious, here it’s just more subtle.

    • THIS is the best answer I’ve seen on this topic in forever! You hit the nail on the head..Because women have ALWAYS been seen as property of one man or another; when women do the same as men in regards to their sexual lives its seen as something ugly. Women DO have the same sexual urges as men..The women who act as if they don’t are either a. fooling themselves or b. trying to fool the men they are with..And alot of those women ARE cheating..Difference between women & men? Women are alot smarter about cheating..Most men get caught! When truth be told if the communication was good in a relationship there would be no need for cheating. I, personally, believe in monogamous relationships. When I’m in one..but I also don’t lie to myself. I love SEX just as much as any other healthy woman or man on this planet. I just choose to only have it with someone I’m in love with. And preferably married to…And for the record IF a woman is a slut for screwing many; than a man is a WHORE for doing the same & not a stud. Unless a so called stud can support a ton children; than that is NOT a stud. A stud produces children not just sperm..Jeez. . GREAT topic. 2 thumbs UP

    • I agree, I always think of how historically men often have either a younger more attractive wife or even more than one. Obviously it would be hard for an older man to satisfy a young woman (even if its solely an attraction issue) and it would be impossible to satisfy more than one (I know I’m certainly demanding enough without competition and that’s just with general attention).
      So, how to stop them playing away? Take all their money and independence and prospects so they have no choice but to seek out a male who can provide for them, and stigmatize their natural needs to the point where up to 30% of women are unable to orgasm (today) and yet function normally in a sexual setting without ever really questioning their lack of satisfaction.
      It’s not just an issue of casual sex, this prejudice against sexually inclined women affects, kind of everything a woman could plausibly do. Ah screw it. I’m gonna have to just write my own article =p

    • @..” (I know I’m certainly demanding enough without competition and that’s just with general attention)…” >> Ok?? I 2nd that! And IF a man can handle my energy/needs PLUS hold down several other women? He IS truly Hercules and needs to be commended for supernatural powers..At this age, as I’ve come into my own being/Self…I’m a handful to handle..In and out of the bedroom..BUT I’m well worth it for I put tenfold into my love relationships…And I totally think you should write your own article..I’ll read it lol! Write ON

    • Posted. I was going to go out but I accidentally wrote that instead. I be my writing is Tiny now.

    • hitandrun,

      ‘control’ is very central to a lot of things in our life in the Western World isn’t.

      I agree with you, we create arbitrary laws and rules as a way to control genders, people, etc.

  6. Well if women are out of order they need to be controlled if the relationshipo is going to survive, the same with men. Idealy without sex people would have protected sex in comitted but casual relationships like fuck buddys or whatever, to stop deasese and unwanted trouble if some of the people are in relatiuonships or jealous of one another, thats what I think anyway

  7. Having three little girls, I don’t know where to start… even before they hit puberty. Some things just never change.

  8. personally i think it’s the other way around… i think society sees women as inferior and sleeping around is something only men should do because well that’s one their “job” to go procreate but also to show their prowess. the more women they sleep with the better they must be, the more fertile, and without getting too crude… the more endowed, etc. apparently all those things are vital to being a man. the more so called responsibility does seem to be applied to women but not because their superior but inferior… their job is ONLY to carry the baby and raise the child. i could go on but you get the point. i think it also has a little bit to do simply with how bodies are… im trying not to be too crude here but with women… well… for sex to happen… there is penetration which therefore again is about being the “weaker” sex because she is “succumbing” to the clearly dominate man, etc., etc. it’s all rubbish but it’s how people STILL sadly seem to think. i don’t get how it’s 2013 and people can’t give up their sexist ways. all of that said… i don’t think it particularly good for anyone to just have sex just because. of course, i do tend to be a bit old fashioned and see it as something that should be for two people who care about each other. it’s not my place to judge but for me… as a single woman… okay yes it sucks not get any lol but i don’t want to risk STDs, i don’t want to risk an unwanted pregnancy particularly with a guy who’d be a deadbeat and since i personally don’t want to have an abortion or go through an adoption, i’d be stuck as a single parent, which i don’t want and the list goes on. i think, while men have an easier time with just having sex, sleeping around can have it’s emotional toll on both and i always ask myself… what am i giving up instead to have casual sex? what am i sacrificing? seems to me there is some time of sacrifice that’s simply not worth it such as my self-esteem and self-worth or possibly becoming emotionally calloused and numb (which is when you have the folks texting and using phones even during sex lol how sad). okay rambled enough lol. 🙂

    • ” im trying not to be too crude here but with women… well… for sex to happen… there is penetration which therefore again is about being the “weaker” sex because she is “succumbing” to the clearly dominate man”

      Jen,

      During my undergrad I wrote an essay on what you are referring to above.I argued that the very nature of sexual intercourse effects the way women and men view the genders because women essentially ‘receive’….

      this of course doesn’t mean men should be dominate and women weaker….my essay was merely observations on the psychological effect of how we view sex and whatnot.

  9. The bottom line is, I would never be in a relationship with a man who thinks a woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant, and that kind of man would never be with me.
    And who am I to feel bad for women who want to be barefoot and pregnant?
    I wish we could all just live and let live.

  10. Kenny, this post was funny, relevant and you made many good points. Why do we hold women to a higher standard? I dunno. I think men who sleep around are sluts, and not at all attractive to me. But that’s because I don’t sleep around. Like is attracted to like. I think men should beheldto higher standards; just because men have urges and needs doesn’t mean they can’t control themselves.

  11. Reblogged this on Casa de la K and commented:
    Only my opinion but I think if your friend id ready to date then that’s wonderful but I do not think there is such a thing as casual sex (unless you are doing it for a living) because you are still filling an emotional void whether you realize it or not, but if she is ready to be friends, build a relationship or a trusting friendship with benefits (which someone is always in it for the wrong reasons) then go for it. As far as the women being sluts and men being studs I don’t really know or have an opinion, and really I guess whatever she wants to do and is comfortable with good for her and no reason to feel she will be labeled a slut because it’s really nobody’s business unless she is open and out there with it which if she is concerned about being labeled as such then I am guessing she doesn’t kiss and tell lol. I very much enjoyed your article and you should read mine http://kelleystephens20.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/touch-has-a-memory/

  12. Only my opinion but I think if your friend id ready to date then that’s wonderful but I do not think there is such a thing as casual sex (unless you are doing it for a living) because you are still filling an emotional void whether you realize it or not, but if she is ready to be friends, build a relationship or a trusting friendship with benefits (which someone is always in it for the wrong reasons) then go for it. As far as the women being sluts and men being studs I don’t really know or have an opinion, and really I guess whatever she wants to do and is comfortable with good for her and no reason to feel she will be labeled a slut because it’s really nobody’s business unless she is open and out there with it which if she is concerned about being labeled as such then I am guessing she doesn’t kiss and tell lol. I very much enjoyed your article and you should read mine http://kelleystephens20.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/touch-has-a-memory/

  13. Personally I love sex, and that is why I do not think casual sex is good and recommend against it. Things we treat casually are things we soon despise, or take for granted. Things we honor and value are things we surround with protocols and rituals and care. Is there a single slang word that means “to have sex with” that doesn’t also mean “to ruin, destroy, humiliate”. The evidence seems to me to indicate that our culture hates sex whatever it says to the contrary. And it has for a long time now. The double standard you mention is clearly a strategy for control and degrades sexuality into politics or economics. We need a totally different kind of sexual revolution, and I wish so much modern feminism didn’t sound like a frat boy’s dream come true.

  14. No offense to frat boys, of course.

  15. You are so right! I agree, perhaps we need to raise the bar for the men. Women have enough to try and keep up,with.

  16. Kenneth, I think your questions are insightful:
    “Do we view women as morally superior?…Do we view women as sexually superior?”

    Morally superior? No. Sexually superior? Absolutely.

    I agree with George Gilder’s take: “The crucial process of civilization is the subordination of male sexual impulses and biology to the long term horizons of female sexuality.” (Men and Marriage)

    Gilder argues that every culture in the world has to deal with the problem of getting their single males to engage with society in a productive, contributing way. Women are the primary answer to this problem, and every society has marriage (or something like it) that helps to connect men to women long term, and to any children such a relationship may produce. If women don’t require single men to grow up and commit to them, men will be happy to use them for sex, and continue to engage in homicidal, suicidal, addictive, high-risk, short-sighted, resource-sucking behavior (generally speaking, of course.) Jails are mostly filled with single men. Gang members are mostly single males. Rapists are mostly males. Prostitute-users are mostly males. Porn users are mostly males, etc.

    So maybe we innately know that if women start behaving like men, the culture will go down the toilet. Therefore, yes, societies tend to hold women to a higher standard, sexually. Is that fair? No, it’s just the shape of reality. It’s way more complicated than simply calling it a “control issue.” Expecting more of women IS a way of raising the bar for men, because men are the problem, and women have what men want. The use of labels like “slut” is just a really barbaric and offensive attempt at enforcing a higher standard. (See “Let’s Have a Come to Jesus Talk About Men, Marriage, & Marriage Equality” http://www.artandlifenotes.wordpress.com )

  17. Kenneth – loved the ‘Retard’ article, after reading this one, I think you drink way too much coffee. As for the arguments above well I come from Ireland I’m Catholic so I have the whole ‘guilt complex’ as so many Catholics do. As for the arguments above, I agree with everyone. Gender equality? does this mean all is equal or should we just be looking for gender balance in the world. Am a fan now, looking forward to the next blog.

  18. Greetings~
    We ladies always complain about that double standard. Society’s expectations are out of whack. It’s a good thing that the one standard we all, men and women, should care most about is God’s standard which is the same for all: Zip it until marriage.
    Thanks for visiting my blog~

  19. There are no “men” nor are there “women”. there is only an individual man or an individual woman. Generalisations are dangerous and superficial

  20. Is there any real way that the bar could be at the same level for both male and female. We are all individuals and there’s no reason it shouldn’t be, but will it ever be… Doubt it.

    Great post and great read though.

  21. It sounds like you do know the answer, actually: stop reducing women to a commodity that can be purchased. Always easier to identify the problem than solve it though! There are some simple steps though that I can think any man can take. {And really the onus is on men here, especially white men because they are most often in a position of power and influence.} One step is to speak out against sexist and stereotypical language and behavior that you see. You’re doing that, at least in part, here. Can you speak up in public too? Perhaps someday you can (or maybe you do already). Another step is to not buy into rape culture that permits this degradation of women. From porn to GoDaddy and everything in between: print media, etc. It’s hard because it’s everywhere! But I believe that everyone can make a difference, especially when it comes to living their own values. Thanks for this post and for stopping by my blog.

    • Elizabeth,

      its pretty sad the way that women are objectified in the examples you’ve given and in other ways. its also sad that United States sports like the NFL, NBA and others use women (cheerleaders, beer adds, etc) in an entirely objectified manner, yet everyone just keeps going to the games like its no big deal. On top of that, we pay the athletes (many of whom are the worst offenders against women) millions of dollars……..

  22. Personally, I feel that sex for sex’s sake isn’t for me. I know there are women who can do and that’s their choice. I just couldn’t because I invest too much into it emotionally. I find men like those who try to pay a woman for a favor are rather pathetic because what that is really saying is that they don’t have anything to offer that woman to actually want to sleep with him out of her own accord and therefore, a wad of cash is the only way he can think of to make himself more interesting. Talk about self-esteem issues.

    And if you look at it from another perspective, permitting a man to ho around because “he probably can’t help it” says that a man is not in control of his own self. So when a woman does it, it’s the double whammy of “you should know better” and “let’s make you feel bad and call you a ‘whore’!” By this time, it is already a supposed given that men are. And they are not. At least, not all of them.

    As for your friend, it all boils down to what she sees sex as. If it is a physical action without any emotional charge, I suppose she could get away with doing that but if not, there is always a toy.

  23. I think when we read Shakespeare and other very old works, we see that women have never actually been anything different than what men are like, if anything, they are more so. The double standard is that women aren’t supposed to boast about it. I think the reason for that is similar to why a man with a high paying job is considered weak and insecure if he brags about it constantly. When you already dominate a field, shut up and let the losers make themselves feel better. If you have to crush a loser, you’re a bigger loser. Women simply have an easier time getting laid (granted, if a woman wants something specific, she may go a very long time without it, but if she just wants penis, she’ll get it within the hour) so if they were to brag about it as well, they would be the bigger loser. In the end, I have on several occasions overheard a group of women talking… who thought there were no men in earshot. The things they said, the way they spoke, it was ten times worse then men. In two minutes of talking there were more examples than I have the desire to list, some included the following:

    “So are you gonna fuck Brad tonight or what?”
    “I don’t know, I was thinking about it. I haven’t decided what I’m going to make him do to get it, though.”
    “See if you can make him cry.”
    “No, ’cause then he’ll just look like a big pussy and I won’t want to fuck him anymore.”
    “Yeah, that’s true.”

    Not only was the language that continued grotesque and more graphic than anything my friends have ever said, but the superiority complex I witnessed was life changing. Now, none of this means that I personally disapprove, if anything I’d prefer if women were open about it because so often men feel pressured to “do the right thing” when really a woman just wants the “wrong thing” which a man would love to give, but he thought he needed to do the other thing to get it… so why create all this asinine confusion when we could be bonding on a more honest level and feel happier in the process?

    Women seem to be unique in that they collectively understand the need to keep this “other” society a secret. It’s kind of passed down from mother to daughter. When a woman has an absent mother, or other situation where such guidance is gone, there’s a high probability of that woman being marked as a slut, because she simply wasn’t aware of these standards and practices to keep her naughty side hidden (enter spring break).

    Much like the TV show Dexter, the number 1 rule is “don’t get caught” and women will very aggressively do whatever it takes not to, including ruin people’s lives.

    I think that things are beginning to change, because as information sharing improves and accelerates, people are exposed to more and more incidents of women acting just like men. If you turn on a talk show where they attempt to determine who the baby’s daddy is, most often even the mother has no freakin’ clue. Turn on these “rich people being stupid” reality shows and you see a lot of the same kind of stuff, so on and so forth. Sex feels good, people like to feel good, it just makes sense. There will likely come a time where it is simply accepted as the norm.

    Freedom is better than slavery, and for now it seems that not only do we choose to be slaves, we encourage it in others. I welcome sexual freedom, not for the reasons most people will assume, but because so much internal struggle changes us in ways we would prefer it didn’t. Bitterness, distancing, numbness, it seems to be the only way to form an effective force-field against the immediate world around us picking apart and critiquing our every word and move.

    Freedom is always the better choice, and at least in my opinion should be fought for.

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