What do guys REALLY want???

what do guys really want

by Kenneth Justice

~What do guys really want? Sex….Thanks for reading.

Okay, obviously I’m joking, but If you aren’t brain dead and have seen at least one American film from the last 100 years than you would think that all that guys think about is sex.

Why does sex sell? Because the media believes that its all that men think about. And whether we want to admit it or not, research studies have indeed found that men think about sex a lot. Some studies have suggested men think about sex as many as 8000 times per day or every 7 seconds. However, I question the findings from these studies.

The problem with these studies which show men to be nothing more than sexual animals whose every waking moment is consumed with thinking about various forms of copulation is that the studies have relied on self-reporting. Thus, if you previously tell men that they think about sex a lot (this influences what men believe) and then you ask a man to self-report how many times a day he thinks about sex…..you are likely to have successfully influenced the man to think about sex!

However, in studies where they merely asked men to report on all the varied thoughts they think about throughout the day (from thoughts of hunger, sadness, work-related issues, etc) researchers found that men don’t think about sex anymore than they think about other things such as sleep, food, etc.

When I was younger I can remember walking into the grocery store and seeing the seductively posed models on the various magazines in the aisle. I didn’t consciously think about why those magazines displayed sexy women….and I am sure that those types of magazines influenced my thoughts regarding sex and women. Yet, as I grew older and I realized what the media was trying to do; use sex to sell products…..those sexual images influenced me less and less.

Awareness, education, understanding…..those were the keys to helping me become less obsessed with the sexualization of men and women that occurs in advertisements and various forms of media.

So what do men really want? This is a tough question, in many ways the answer hinges upon what time of day you are asking the question. If I’m in the middle of a monotonous work-related-task and I’m asked the question I will likely answer, “I want a nice cup of coffee while I’m sitting alongside the beach in the Caribbean

But generally speaking there are a number of trends in the answers men give to the question of the what they really want;

—) They want a job/hobby/task that challenges and satisfies them

—) They want friends who are faithful, interesting to talk to, and who hang out with them regularly

—) They want time to themselves, time to recover and relax from the various details of their day-to-day lives.

While many women want alone time as well, I’ve noticed that as a percentage; more men want a larger block of time to be by themselves than the average woman. I suspect that differences in brain use between genders has something to do with why men appear to need a greater amount of time to think through things by themselves. Many people have remarked that women appear to be able to think about many different topics at the same time while this is much more difficult for men.

Men enjoy being challenged and when they are not…..it can lead to bouts of depression. One of the reasons athletics appeals to so many men is the level of challenge, fight, and struggle that occurs in the various sports. Of course, men can also find this same sense of energy in tackling deep intellectual subjects, arguing and debating (peacefully) topics, and other such academic pursuits.

Unfortunately, Western Culture has entirely bought into the premise that men want sex…..and so, many men are influenced in this belief from when they are very young. Men believe they want sex…because they are told that is what they want.

Men with money, men who are celebrities, men with charisma; believing that all they want is sex, then go out and try to sleep with as many women (or men) as possible. But when we read the tabloids we see that for all their sexual conquests; celebrities and male philanderers are no more happy than men who live more stable lives sexually. In fact, the rates of divorce and cheating are often higher among celebrities and the wealthy.

All of this is not to say that men don’t want sex……but I believe we need to reevaluate how much the media is influencing us regarding our beliefs about men. When we read about the great male minds of the past, Plato, Socrates, Hume, Einstein, etc. the first thing that doesn’t come to our mind is sex. Isn’t that interesting? So perhaps men really want something more beyond sex. Perhaps if we quit influencing men to think a certain way, then they would surprise us when we ask them the question, “What do men really want?”

What do I really want? Another cup of coffee.



Categories: Culture & Society

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

63 replies

  1. Thinking about sex that often, sounds totally exhausting and therefore counter-productive. I always distrust those sort of statistics because people lie when questioned about their sex lives, and also they tell the questioner what they think the questioner wants to hear.

    In the Uk we would say ‘time for a nice cup of tea and a sit down’, you have the right attitude – another cup of coffee. Do we get a biscuit with that?

  2. I asked my husband what he wanted when he walked in, and he said Legos.

  3. Thanks for this great post, explaining what men want. (By the way, these are things I want, too.) My boyfriend has said that, for a guy, thoughts about sex are like being on a road trip with a friend who won’t stop talking. At first you pay complete attention, but then it’s on-going noise, and you can do and think about other things.

  4. It is like you say. Men want challenges. And something like the unreachable. Silly that that also includes women. Magazines do a god job in showing that.
    Even more silly is that man talk big want big and most the time still get wet hands when approaching women. If we belief she is out of our league.
    As for the magazines and studies, I think they look to much at the younger ages to much and maybe calculate it through to the older age.

    Women are just as influenced if you ask me. Looking at the asses of men etc. And also want to be challenged by men. But that is for women to answer.

    • I agree with all u said…..and it’s quite possible that the studies aren’t accounting for a variance in age…..and there are other factors that should be considered as well

  5. Interesting! I can honestly add my opinion, in that, as I have been married to 3 different men (not many boyfriends, just so you know 🙂 ) And they varied so much, sexually, that I still find myself not believing it. Being an attractive woman in my youth, with tons of male attention, irritated me, seriously, but I also got used to it–and that is “unfortunately”, because it made me untrusting of men in general. My first husband was visual, bought me lingerie as gifts (like I honestly wanted that), and other things—-he also told me I dressed like a man and wanted me wearing makeup and fixing myself up all the time–our sex life was based on my weight–when I was 20 lbs heavier (had 4 kids with him from age 21 on within 5 years) he wasn’t as interested, when I was a ptrainer, he wouldn’t leave me alone, even in the bathroom–my second husband was addicted to porn–totally, and he was attracted to me, because of my physique–as I was attracted to him for his (if you saw my blogpost, he’s the one on the left), it didn’t make for a good relationship at all–he also told me I dressed like a man on one occasion, and that I was fat, when I was pregnant with his only daughter, of which he only knew briefly before his suicide. My current husband is 45 years old, but even when he was younger he was none of the yuckies that I have gotten familiar with—-the key to him is that he is FULLY against objectifying women. It disgusts him. And those of us who have been objectified are just as disgusted, I assure you. Anything that promotes it, is effective: playing off of the men’s natural visual response, and the women following as they think this is the way to attract the men. It stinks all around. All I can say, is that being now married to a man for almost 5 years who treats me with unconditional love, is a relief, a blessing, and I wish everyone could be loved unconditionally as I am—but then, we are, when we remember that that’s exactly the way God loves us–though this is difficult to feel in a world that continues to objectify in order to “sell” whatever it is they are convinced everyone wants 😛 FYI, the sex with my current husband, hands down, is the BEST EVER, because he loves me–the only 2 other men I’ve had sex with (husbands) were only looking to satisfy themselves, my husband really shows me love in all aspects of our marriage. **I’m drinking yesterday’s leftover coffee right now, ran out of beans 😦

  6. Oh, you and your coffee ^^
    Good post!

  7. Do you mind if I share this on Facebook?

  8. Interesting post….I think the main point to remember is that you cannot overgeneralize about males or females. In each sex there are so many variations.

  9. Sex, food, affection, sleep

  10. my son is 13.
    all he talks about now is sex. ……..and condoms.
    that is all I can contribute to this post ….at this time. your welcome.

  11. Word for the coffee, man! It’s all a man needs! On a serious note, I don’t think it’s that we’re taught to think about sex so much as it’s a question of masculinity issues. Being a teenager, I can’t help noticing that many of my buddies gym themselves into a coma NOT to impress the ladies, but to impress their own friends! It’s the same thing with the penis argument. Women repeatedly say that they really don’t really care, yet there’s this eagerness between friends to prove to one another that their package is the biggest! Do we talk incessantly about sex with our female friends, or with our male friends? It’s all just part of the ‘alpha’ impression.

  12. The drive for sex is to have children. I know men that WANT to raise happy healthy children and to share their lives with their ‘seed’. My male friends want to be more affectionate and open in communication with their prodigy.

    • Ellen,

      “the drive for sex is to have children”

      Perhaps….but I don’t think we should ignore the psychological element; in the sense that in having sex with someone it brings the both of you closer…..I wouldn’t say the sex drive is just about having children

  13. I believe we, all have needs and goals. And if we have a look at Maslow’s pyramid we can see, sex is on the same scale with the basic needs (breathing, water, sleep..etc). I don’t think Maslow had in mind only the sexual act, it’s the perpetuation of species.
    Nowadays, it’s all about the propaganda which gives birth to perverts. I used to call this, malady. I don’t care it anymore, I got divorced. It’s up to us what do we want to be and how low. A person who thinks often about/to sex, is a limited person, not to say something rude. You can say, how about those orgies from Roman’s Empire and high life’s style? I would say the same, they were limited, fighting/ or f***ing, nothing else to do.

    Great topic, Kenneth! Thank you.

    the frigid

  14. Thank you, Kenneth. I’d like to reblog this as it is such a well written piece. It seems amazing that people read media reports about tests conducted by strangers instead of simply asking others, what do you want? As Ann Koplow relayed, Sex is background noise. It is as loud as the focus you give it. It’s not life. BTW, I want a coffee as well. Seeya.

  15. You know what struck me while reading this? Your list of what “men” need:

    “—) They want a job/hobby/task that challenges and satisfies them

    —) They want friends who are faithful, interesting to talk to, and who hang out with them regularly

    —) They want time to themselves, time to recover and relax from the various details of their day-to-day lives.”

    … is that this is exactly what I want, too.

    Is there anyone, male, female or otherwise, who doesn’t?

  16. I remember listening to Rick Dees reference a study that reported different findings about what men thought about– that they thought about a number of things besides sex. What those things were seemed to suggest they were a bit older and had “settled down”– they thought about pressures at work, family, and so on.

    I think you’re right that culture and society shape so many of our views, including that about physical intimacy. In regards to the West, I think some views have gone for the better– we are looking more at intimacy as a bonding expression of love between two individuals, beyond the childbearing years. Some views I think have gone for the worse, however, in that we see widespread vanity, and the idea that chasing an ideal of youth and beauty is necessary to remain attractive.

    • ‘ Some views I think have gone for the worse, however, in that we see widespread vanity, and the idea that chasing an ideal of youth and beauty is necessary to remain attractive”

      this is a tough issue…because I think its only natural that so many of us think about physical aspects (beauty, attractiveness, etc) but its important that we each keep a proper perspective on the subject since beauty is only temporary

    • I was reading an article today about free will and treatment of OCD in Discover magazine. Although many scientists are emphasizing biological determinism today, I personally think free will has a strong case. Perhaps scientists will find a semblance of free will in the animal kingdom someday, as so much is being revealed about their intelligence.

      I mean to say some view these physical aspects as biological imperatives, or evolutionary signals to successful propagation of the species. But if free will is considered, we are not necessarily restricted to that, and there are many more factors for human beings in choosing a mate.

    • jak,

      “Although many scientists are emphasizing biological determinism today”

      it was for that reason that I made the decision NOT to pursue a PhD….I kept finding myself at odds with the academic community because they focus EVERYTHING now-a-days on biological determinism, genetics, etc.

      I believe free will choice and culture play HUGE roles in our lives and unless we take those two elements into consideration I don’t believe we have a good perspective on psychology.

  17. You are right about how the media influences us, and about men’s base, if natural instincts, but why stop there?

    What about the “they say-ers”, the “everybody know-ers”, and the “it’s a well known fact merchants” who invasively plague us every day

    How about what women think about? In the past I have been been in the catering sector for over 10 years, and the discussions around the table on an average hen night have to be both seen and heard. A good example would be washing machines. To us guys there is only single or dual usage, regardless of loading position, tumble or spin dryer facilities, and turbo power enhancement, but for the ladies at a hen night,well, other more personal and enjoyable uses soon come to the fore.

    Not only that, God help any husband who expresses a wish to go to strip club, but if the wife wants to go and see the chippendales, or some other adult cabaret then that is just fine

    Finally do such “studies” take into effect seasonal variances and the potentially focused mind of the sampler
    In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to love; according to Tennyson. That may be true, but as winter turns to spring and then spring to summer, might it a linkage occur between air temperature, and choice, and/or lack apparel? Us guys have eyes, and nature has told us what to do with them, so if a lady seasonally displays herself in a suitably chosen garment, is it so surprising that we notice her as she walk by. Us guys are a little different,I should add. If we displayed our crown jewels we would either look stupid or absolutely absurd

    On a more serious note though, don’t most of us, men or women, yearn for the same things deep down in side. Peace of mind, a meaningful job and job security, warmth and quiet affection,and someone you can share life with or just talk to. They are often the bedrock upon which most lives, and certainly a lot of good marriages or long term relationships form. Stuff like cars, romance, champagne, and roses,are the candy floss that is spun and thrown at you at a fairground. It is ephemeral, its joys are but fleeting, and if you are unlucky it sweet sticky goodness hangs about you for hours

    We all like window shopping though, and following media trends avoid thinking. Sadly so many of us don’t want to think these days, so I suppose that such forces are here to stay. So long as we keep to window shopping we should be able to manage, it’s when we actively seek or touch the unwise or unavailable, or live our lives on impossible credit, that the real problems occur.

    Love makes fools of us all, big or little, Thackeray reminds us; perhaps, in such words, there is a ;lesson for us all

  18. “Stuff like cars, romance, champagne, and roses,are the candy floss that is spun and thrown at you at a fairground. It is ephemeral, its joys are but fleeting, and if you are unlucky it sweet sticky goodness hangs about you for hours”

    great lines 🙂

  19. Maybe men think about sex when they don’t feel like they’re getting enough of it. I think that’s human nature … we want what we feel is scarce, and we feel it’s lack. That’s why diets are so hard. Once men have sex, and know they’ll have more sex, they can think more of other things? (I think this applies to women too, though … )

    • lol … *its lack* … I hate automatically typing poor grammar … 🙂

    • Lara,

      “Maybe men think about sex when they don’t feel like they’re getting enough of it”

      perhaps…but I do know of a few men who get a lot of sex…and who are still too obsessed with it. They haven’t learned to develop interests and hobbies that are satisfying to them

  20. You, along with so many others, always blame the media for virtually everything. While I agree the media can have an influence, it goes both ways. What the media does is greatly influenced by what the audience ALLOWS them to do… so they do it. If the audience didn’t respond to it, they wouldn’t do it. I’m also wondering at what point do we quit pointing fingers and just grow up, accept responsibility for ourselves and think for ourselves. As you pointed out, you have done it and realized the truth behind those ridiculous advertisements and have since made your own decisions about things. The media should shoulder an x-amount of blame but it’s tiresome to hear that it’s ONLY the media’s fault. It isn’t.

    • Jen, well the problem lies in the fact that the media (television, radio, print, etc) is arguably the most influential medium that exists in our culture…no?

      I mean I would say that people are more influenced by various forms of media than church, their extended relatives, school, and in some circumstances their parents!

      So its hard not to throw arrows at ‘the media’ because of the place we have given the media in our culture.

      I would definitely be the first to say that the influence the media has upon people is the fault of people who watch the programs, read the celebrity rags, etc…..and so I try to be fair and level the responsibility toward both sides of the issue.

  21. I asks my husband what he wanted for Christmas – he said”What about Bob?” I am sure he meant the DVD. Men never stop wanting sex . . . my niece works in a nursing home, it’s not uncommon to see little old men climbing into bed with some unsuspecting female resident. Yikes.

  22. I’d say on the bottom line we want Power, Position, Possession . . . . at the top . . . we want to be like God.

    Sex? I don’t know man, but I wasted a zillion hours of my life chasing a 5 second thrill . . . kinda silly when you think about it . . .

    • JJ, only “5 seconds”? Perhaps I need to school ya a bit in the art of….just kidding 😉

      great points though, and I fully concur

    • I timed the highest point of an orgasm once . . . about five seconds . . . course you can lead up to it for a long while, but 5-10 seconds is it. . . . 😦

    • JJ, If you were aware enough during orgasm to TIME it, you should get schooled by the Monk on more than just the art of . . . Seriously though, if we allow ourselves to be influenced by anything to think that sex is just about statistics (how many, how long, how often) we are responsible for some very selfish thinking. I was impressed by the comment from the thrice-married lady that it was so much better with a man who was thinking about her pleasure and not just his – isn’t that what we all want/need? Partnership, sharing, mutual support. Do I think about sex less often than my partner? Who cares so long as we’re thinking about each other during the act!

    • I have been married for many years and in those years my wife and I have had sex a zillion times. We smoked pot and did it, we did it on the kitchen table, we had dance night in our music room and did it on the floor after a long, slow dance session. . .

      We did it spontaneously, planned, romantic, and grabbed one on the way to work . . . always fun, always for both of us . . .

      I’m 71 and we still have sex . . .
      I don’t think anybody can teach me too much about sexually gratifying my wife . . . and that is all I am interested in. . . .

      It’s fun . . . sex is on-the-job-training . . . the more a guy tries to learn about sex the more he doesn’t know about sex . . .

  23. Great observations. I’ve found that as I get older, the more and more I’ve found that those other things are far more important and fulfilling to me than sexuality.

  24. Interesting 🙂 I recently divorced and found myself on a “singles market” and honestly it is a fascinating experience. I got married early, and never really dated anyone but my ex-husband, so now, trying to date is a completely new situation for me and i found out a lot about men. First i always treat any man as a friend and have a normal flirt-free conversation, and i found out that this way i actually attract more men. Through all this conversations i made lots of nice friends, and i found out that men are actually very lonely. Maybe not all man, but most that i have met. They lonely in a way that most women act out and flirt, and put all that sexual energy out, that sometimes is not what a man wants. Sometimes men just want to have a normal intelligent conversation without all that sexual drama, and it is extually more exciting for them. I have couple of guys that keep calling me saying how much i attracted them and they have never felt what they felt with me. i do not want to say that i am some kind of “sexy kitten” or something, but i just listen to them, to their dreams, inspirations and desires in life, and i think that is what women lost a little, they think men see us as “sex object” and we act like that, but in reality men do not see us that way, they just want to actually get to know us and feel comfortable with us. Thank you for such a great article! i agree with you! its very nice to read a man’s perspective and i guess it proves my thoughts to me. Anyway, thank you!

    • Lina,

      “Through all this conversations i made lots of nice friends, and i found out that men are actually very lonely. Maybe not all man, but most that i have met”

      great observation. I have noticed that many men are lonely as well….there are a lot of men who direly need closer friendships in which they have deeper conversations that go beyond talking about sports and work.

    • being in the same situation I feel the same as well, Lina. So true, 100%!

  25. Reblogged this on a mans life journey and commented:
    Thanks to Kenneth Justice for this awesome article.

  26. I think men tend to think about sex all the time because they are told to think about sex all the time. We can hardly forget about it when the reminders are around every corner. The marketing people know that a man who is sexually aroused is a push over for nearly anything they say or sell because he can’t think as clearly as he otherwise would. The love of money is the root of every kind of evil.

  27. Very often people think or talk about sex when they have nothing else to think or talk about. Or there is not enough sex in their lifes. Or both. Not interesting, sex is something to make, not to think about, right?)) Seriously – fully agree about the role of media here, and unfortunately this kind of stereotype can bring serious problems for a lot of men and women

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