The church says, ‘NO’…REALLY???

pondering

by Kenneth Justice

~ “Look Kenneth, if we were to do it the entire Church would give us so much grief over it, acting like we’re terrible sinners….that it’s simply not worth it” she said

I was sitting at coffee with a late 20ish young single woman. She had been telling me about how much she enjoyed the Christmas services at her church…..but more specifically she had mentioned how much she was currently attracted to an older man who attend her church. However,, because there is more than a 20 year age gap between the two of them; for them to date would be considered extremely taboo.

This young woman has it all going on;

—) She’s 29 years old and has completed multiple college degrees

—) She passed the bar last year and is currently working as a successful local layer

—) She moved out of her parents house and purchased her own place

Clearly the young woman is responsible and  resourceful…..and now that she is getting close to 30 years old she wants to settle down with the right guy……..’the right guy’ unfortunately for her is 56 years old.

Kenneth, I’ve dated numerous men over the past decade but nothing ever ‘clicked’……but with this 56 year old who goes to my church; wow, I just really enjoy his company and am extremely attracted to him” she said

Apparently they’ve known each other for most of her life since they have both been attending the same church since she was very young. “Kenneth, what I love about this older guy is that I know so much about him; his family life, his career, and I really respect who he is as person….but if the two of us were to date our church would give us so much hell for it. They would act like we were evil because dating someone outside of your age range at my church is simply not something people do” she said

Personally, I’m at an age in life where I’m caring less and less what other people think of me. I spent so many years trying to live my life in order to make ‘other people’ happy that I feel like its simply not worth it….because to put it quite simply; you can never ever make others happy. Someone else’s happiness cannot be contingent upon me living my life a certain way. Their happiness is up to them; its up to them how they live their life…….

However, having said that…..I totally understand where the young woman is coming from, because sometimes its simply not worth ‘rocking the boat’. Sure, the two of them could pursue a relationship and maybe it could end up in a wonderful marriage; but if the consequences are that they are going to have to deal with a ton of hell and gossip from their fellow church members…..perhaps a successful marriage isn’t really worth it. Maybe staying single is the better option than having to deal with a ton of emotional trauma from the church culture that they are apart of.

Of course, many of us are probably wondering; “why don’t the two of you leave your particular church if that is the way they treat people???” and in a round-about-way I actually asked her that exact question. “Kenneth, its not that simple. My parents and siblings attend the church and all of his siblings and parents attend the church as well. We’re so much apart of the church family that for us to leave it would be like we’re divorcing ourselves from our family” she said

I guess some people in their situation would say ‘to hell with the church I’m leaving to date the man that I love’……but others would rather sacrifice love in order to maintain their family and church relationships. Its a tough situation no matter how I look at it.

There are many people that look at big age gaps between couples as a bad thing. For these two people the age gap is 27 years. To me that doesn’t seem like a big deal at all, and when she first began telling me this story I had to wrap-my-brain around the fact that some people actually think a 27 year age gap is wrong.

Kenneth, it’s just that my father and this guy went to school together. They are only 2 years apart…….so if he and I were to start dating I think my parents would feel like their ‘friend’ is robbing the cradle” she said

Maybe I’m wrong….perhaps a 27 year age gap is too big a deal. But all I can think is “really” because it doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me. In this day and age when so many people rush into marriage and rush into bad relationships…..here is a couple who have been talking to each other for years. They’ve gotten to really know each other and it seems like they might make a good match…….but what do I know?

For most of the summer I kept meeting people who were getting divorced. People who had rushed into marriage before they were really ready for it. And this young woman actually seems like she is ready for it. Her career is set, her finances are in order…..and she simply wants to have a family now……but I guess she’s gonna have to look elsewhere. Sometimes life really confuses me.

I really need another coffee

Kenneth
(P.S. If you haven’t heard I’m going on a national and worldwide tour of 100 coffee houses in 2014 check out my link for the news and stay tuned for dates and locations <link> )

[EDIT: this article originally incorrectly stated their age gap to be 17 years…when in fact their age gap is 27 years]
 

 

 

 



Categories: relationships

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90 replies

  1. Great insights. I hope you encouraged her to follow her heart instead of listening to what other people. Life is to short to miss out on being happy because of someone else’s judgements. Now time for my coffee.

    • ‘life is to short to miss out…”

      it sure is…seems like only yesterday I was in first grade 😉

    • Following our heart is important, but our “heart” is like our conscience. To be of any use, both our heart and our conscience have to be well informed.

      Why do people get married? Marriage exists primarily for the upbringing and protection of children. When people hit their late twenties, the desire to mate and have children goes into overdrive. Successful lawyer or not, that young woman will probably want to have children. So what happens if she marries a 56 year old guy and wants children? Could work, but even with lots of luck the difficulties will be extreme. 20 years down the road the effects of that age difference will only become more starkly apparent.

      Nevertheless, I am a little puzzled as to why the church disapproves. At 27 the young lady is no longer a minor. So even if he is 56, the older man cannot be accused of robbing the cradle. Such a marriage would be unconventional, foolish perhaps, but necessarily sinful. It is the kind of thing we roll our eyes at, but I don’t think Bible has anything to say about it.

  2. I can’t understand why that (the age difference) should be an issue, particularly when they and their families are so much a part of the church and are well known. It could very well be that there would be some talk but I can’t help but wonder if maybe she’s the one making too much of the age difference and seeing trouble where it doesn’t really exist? Based on her statements you quoted, she seems to be making assumptions on how others will act and think.

    • Russ,

      I had to dance around this story in order to not betray the privacy of these people involved, so a lot of pertinent details have been omitted……..suffice to say; the young woman’s parents and church do NOT support her dating this older guy because of the age gap…….I’m sure that if the two of them simply did it and got married….eventually their church would ‘come around’…..but it would take quite a bit of time…….

    • Okay. Thanks for the clarification.

  3. This is a disturbing post for me because all I can think is that she must not really love this man since she has so easily talked herself out of it. Otherwise, she would have talked to her father about it and talked to the pastor about it and gotten their opinions and hopefully, “blessings” and listened to her heart about her feelings for this man and not cared about “others” opinion. What others think of her are more important to her than this man.

    • Priceless,

      I can’t go into details….but the young woman tried approaching her parents about the subject but it didn’t go well……suffice to say that if the two of them were to marry; I think that her church would ‘eventually’ come around….but it would take a few years of them feeling a bit ostracized

  4. Great post. So many men and women face this same challenge. We always say ‘follow the heart’ and sometimes we are lucky enough to do just that.

  5. Where in the Bible does it speak of Jesus saying one most marry within a certain year age gap? Who are these people to dictate the very plan the Divine could have for this couple? What if both wonderful souls end up in a horrible abusive relationship because they did not listen to their hearts? Personally I would rather make my entire family unhappy then make my heart unhappy. Age is just age.

    • it doesn’t say that anywhere in the bible…..actually the culture in which the bible was written involved a lot of ‘big age gap’ marriages…it was pretty common for older men to marry younger women…but that is a whole other story because those were usually arranged marriages and the women had no say in the matter

    • Yes you are correct on all accords. Try presenting this knowledge and see if that helps. It is really sad when judgement crushes something amazing.

    • Tradition teaches that Joseph was much older than Mary.

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with this as long as everyone knows what they are getting into.

  6. First off, the age difference if I count correctly is 27 years. So almost double her age. Usually I try not to interfere with such things (I don’t do it with people I know well) but since this is more of an example to me, I believe that the biggest the gap of years, the smaller the chances to last long. But if it is good while it lasts and they have talked about their reactions in case of a break up, I say go ahead. On the other hand 27 years is a whole generation! And 10-15 years from now the man would probably have more problems (health -pension-temper-patience, reaching the average life expectancy) than joys, while the woman will be in her most productive years and she will have a hard time caring for everything (if they have children all burdens-work/home/children/care for the husband, will fall on her). Even if she has considered all of them, it is different when you actually experience them. Having said that, I really feel that 29 years on earth usually are enough to build your character and generally know what is good for you. 18-20 years old feel the same but most of the time they are mistaken. For me the age difference is not itself a great factor since she is 29, but she has to make a projection of herself after 10-20 years and see if she will be able to handle it. But then if they love each other this is a load of baloney and they should enjoy these precious years together, regardless of what the future will bring. Because no-one knows the future.

    As John Cleese used to say (not his exact words but the meaning) :

    I had a very successful and happy married life. The fact that we broke up doesn’t mean it was unsuccessful. It would have been if we stayed married. It was good while it lasted and when it stopped being good we went our separate ways.

    • lol thank you vassilis…I think I can’t add this morning! you are right. it is 27 years…and I am going to edit the article in order to not confuse anyone…because 27 years is a bit different than 17! and that’s why the young woman and her family were making such a big deal about it

    • The other thing I did not mention, because I can’t be sure, since as I know you only give outlines of the cases to protect the actual people and some times the truth hides in the details, is that her father went to school with him. A father figure? Her first love? Hmmmm. But you are present there and with the degree to understand better than us!

    • vassilis, I think that is what makes the situation so tough; the father and the guy she is interested in went to school together…its a whole other ‘can of worms’ as they say.

  7. She respects a man her father’s age because she knows about his family. That must mean she knew his ex wife and children. If there are none then he’s probably got tons of problems. Any woman wanting babies must consider a man’s sperm at his age have much much greater chance of birth defects. Fact.

  8. “Sometimes life really confuses me.”

    Isn’t that the truth. I feel for this woman. I’d love to read a follow up one day explaining that she followed her heart, no matter the cost. Not near enough of that happing in the world, if you ask me.

    • follow up’s are tricky unless I’m given express permission….because follow-up stories usually mean I have to fill in a lot of the details that I’ve left out of the original article 😦 I have had numerous people who’ve told me I could share their ‘entire’ story…but even then I feel a bit hesitant as I would rather leave the information a tad bit ambiguous….just my style I guess……

      and I agree….not enough people following their heart 🙂

      p.s. I’m now considering texas because I’ve received so many emails and comments….I didn’t realize I had so many readers in the lone star state

    • Yea, I was just thinking out loud. I like how you keep it all ambiguous. Your style works.

      It’s a big state, surely there’s a few of us bouncing around here. 😉

  9. Maybe had she spoken to the priest or pastor they could’ve offered some solid advice. And if the Priest/Pastor was behind them, then everyone else would naturally follow. I can understand not wanting to ruin your relationship with the church or family. But steps can always be taken. Just saying…

    • sweet,

      that’s a good suggestion. I can’t really answer your question as to whether or not she has talked to the pastor/priest because of having to protect their privacy…suffice to say; the church is definitely not on their side in this situation.

    • That’s just so sad. It’s hard enough to find love in today’s world.

  10. Whether it’s good or bad, their church’s and family’s taboo about the age gap will cause them to consider very carefully whether they truly love one another and whether it really is a good idea to get married. If they do get married in the end, they will be doing it with their eyes open. They will have to consider what is most important to them.

    • “if they do get married in the end, they will be doing it with their eyes open”

      Right….they are definitley very aware of the way people view the age gap for sure 🙂

  11. Given the situation, it’s possible the gossip from church and/or scorn from their families would taint the relationship in such a way it would be impossible to find happiness together. If this woman was 21 years old and thinking of dating some 27 years older, I’d be worried. If she were my daughter, I’d tell her it was a bad idea. That’s said, somewhere between the ages of 25 and 30 age stops mattering. I have a handful of friends in their 30s and 40s. While that’s far from dating, it still shows that age matters less and less to the relationships I create.

    In the end, I hope she takes the time to weigh all the consequences and then makes the decision she is least likely to regret.

    • Tk, I’m coming from where you’re at; by the time someone (whether man or woman) nears age 30 it seems to me that age simply shouldn’t matter anymore. I understand that a 27 year age gap would seem like a big deal to a lot of people….but she’s nearly 30 and I think the average person at 30 has a much better idea what they want out of life then when they were 17 or 20, and I’ve known a couple 21 year olds who’ve dated older men and they seem really happy as well……

  12. I am sorry to hear this. But who said that love knows know limits. Why is it bothering people.
    To think church has so much power to keep people from love and happiness for their own selfish gain.
    Sad to think an adult is unable to choose her own path. To make her own mistakes.

    i am not a religion person. but this is just like an indoctrination. the church deciding your way of life. but if she ends up in the gutter following the church the church will pull their hands away. as we cannot help.
    I am sad to hear stories like this.

    When I was reading. I read that the church or temple is you own heart. not a building ruled by a pope or something.. no a heart filled with the love for God.

    Age another box you be judged on.

    beautiful post Dude. just shame to hear the reasons from such a smart person.. proofing she cannot think for herself.

    • “When I was reading. I read that the church or temple is you own heart. not a building ruled by a pope or something.. no a heart filled with the love for God. ”

      you’re right….instead, too many people get caught up into letting humans ‘run’ their life 😦

  13. If they move forward together, she is going to be this man’s nurse. If she has so much trepidation, perhaps she should keep her options open.

  14. Age it’s just a number, but 27 years gap it’s a heavy number to carry. I wished that in my 20’s cared less about others happiness and listened my heart beats. I feel and understand her frustration and confusion with her family. I think everything (joy,anger,separateness..)is a gift of the universe. Love is a rare diamond, wouldn’t play with it, but how would I know? Never had feelings for my dad’s friend.. Lol
    I definitely need strong coffee today 😀

    • “I feel and understand her frustration and confusion with her family'”

      right….not everyone realizes how difficult it is to do something that your family doesn’t support. it can be pretty tough to go against your parents.

  15. First of all….love this post.

    Second, this hit home hard.

    Living in a small – and I mean small town- where we as teenagers went to one high school. One of our school mates was a star tennis champ. Awesome gal. Awesome attitude. Genuinely nice girl.

    Flip the coin for a minute, same class, in the same group of friends …another nice and wonderful girl who came from a good family so we all thought. Lots of inside and behind closed door heart ache no one knew. Prominent family in the town.

    Long story short, the husband and wife divorced. A year later, the husband married our friend, the tennis champ.
    They are still married. Have one of the best marriages I have ever seen and known. They look sincerely happy. He and she both.
    So to comment on this post?
    Is love ever wrong?
    And if we judge her or him…doesn’t that make us wrong?
    Sometimes we have to follow our gut. It never leads us wrong. It knows no boundaries. And if her mother and father love her (which it sounds like they do) that love will stay true.
    Love is not a sin.

    • What I meant to say…about the prominent family …the husband and wife had a daughter who was also in our class. He married the tennis champ who was our age and the friend of his daughter.

      Sorry. I should have proof read before hitting send.

    • that’s a great story; too many people would rather stick to ‘rules’ that humanity has created and sometimes those rules don’t make any sense; like that you have to stay married to someone you possibility hate and can’t stand….sometimes marriage simply doesn’t work….

  16. If I loved a man and was all grown up as she is, nothing or no one would stand in my way. We make our own happiness. It is a problem way outside my way of thinking.

  17. Every time we choose someone there are plusses and minuses. This very capable woman has evaluated both and decided. No one can really second guess her decision. It is hers alone to make. Who knows, maybe she’ll meet and marry a younger man who actually suits her much better and in future years she’ll be glad for the social pressure which kept her available for this. When she is 70 and she still has her husband she might be glad. Sometimes those social pressures serve a protective, albeit annoying, purpose. Not always, but I support her decision either way here based on her own evaluation of the situation.

  18. Wow–this is quite a conundrum for this woman. I am a church going man–really feel comfortable with the joy of being a member of this church. I recently completed a term as the sitting chair of the council as well. What I would suggest to this woman is to request an audience with the pastor along with this gentleman and put out the question and related concerns. A question I would ask is for him to explain why God would be unhappy with two of his children loving each other and doing it by the book by the sounds of things? One thing that I always thought about was the role of the church in our lives today. Many churches are in decline in terms of attendance because they have not progressed with times. They should not have the power to determine the course of peoples lives. The ten commandments is supposed to do that. A church, to me, should provide my spiritual compass with direction and not my moral compass. This is a moral issue it seems. Do I or don’t I? How will our decision fit with our families? and so on. Anyway if the pastor says absolutely not then a collective decision needs to be made. I would explain to the couple that the church needs to be a place of refuge, solace but most of all forgiveness. We are supposed to be blessed with Christ’s grace are we not? The church has no place in the actual decision making of its parishioners at least not in my church. When it becomes the perfect palace then perhaps but in itself it has a bit of work to do. If God didn’t want these two gifts to the planet interested in each other then it wouldn’t have happened the way it did. One need not leave their personal lives to the faults of those around them.

    That’s how I see it anyway, Jim

    .

    • “Many churches are in decline in terms of attendance because they have not progressed with times. They should not have the power to determine the course of peoples lives”

      Jim, I’m totally with you. A lot of churches wonder why they are experiencing a decline and they write it off as ‘well the world is just more evil these days and they aren’t interested in church’…….but I actually believe its because the church is living in yesteryear and hasn’t learned how to connect with people in the 21st century

  19. My husband is 19 years older than I am. At first it was hard for my parents to be comfortable with it. Then my mom died of cancer at age 52 and suddenly it was obvious to all of us that “age” is a predictor of nothing. Your time on this planet is finite and that is the only thing you can count on. I am head over heels in love with my man after being together almost 12 years now. Love is the most important thing there is in this life – I hope somehow your friend goes for it! I guarantee if she does, life will open up for her in ways she can’t even imagine 🙂

    • longandluxe,

      love your story! and I’m so glad it worked out for you and that you did what you believed was best for you……it sounds like you guys have a great relationship 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words, we have a relationship that I’m grateful for every single day. The thing is – if we are blessed enough to find the opportunity to love someone, maybe it’s not for us to quantify it. Love is far greater than time. Maybe all we can do is surrender to it and be glad for the chance to learn, how ever long we are given together. Looking forward to your tour!

  20. If dating is such a problem, just get on and marry him. What can the church do then? Order her to get divorced?

  21. Another great post, touching on so many important topics. My first association with what you wrote relates to my personal situation (of course). My partner, Michael, is 10 years younger than me. Because of our ages (60 and 50) that probably doesn’t matter much to people. However, people do seem to have different opinions about age differences, and gender does seem to affect those opinions, too. However, if it did matter to anybody, would I care? No, because I’m friggin’ 60 years old, and I’ve had a lot of years to work on letting go of caring what other people think. I need some food, now, not coffee. Thanks, Kenneth!

  22. Hi kenneth, speaking from experience…i don’t she’s ever going to be able to pursue her dreams…i recently experienced something similar with a couple of friends…the difference in equation was, it wasn’t a “relationship” but friends who chose their church over loyalty and trust to friends. At the risk of sounding bitter and biased which I am definitely not I can’t help but feel that sometimes the church communities instil a sense of fear in them instead of open minded acceptance about people from all walks of life. So and in effect nice people like your friend and mine are in constant fear of ostracism and at the end of the day rather choose church over people. Sad but true and isn’t life about the choices we make after all.

    • “the difference in equation was, it wasn’t a “relationship” but friends who chose their church over loyalty and trust to friends”

      wow….all I can say is wow….I’ve known similar situations and it really sucks 😦

  23. As someone who married a man 33 years older than myself, I have to say it is not just the church community who views this as taboo. I really appreciate your voice, but am sorry for the sense of sadness you feel for a woman like the one you write about “throwing it away” with someone only 10 years older than she. People fall in love for all sorts of reasons – my husband and I decided we were in love 30 years ago and we still are today. To live within the parameters of fear “what will happen 25 years from now when he is X and I am X-33” was not acceptable to us then, nor is it now. We have cherished our lives together and both have been enriched by the other’s strengths and weaknesses.
    Love your blog, by the way!

    • wow, I’m so glad you pursued what was in your heart to pursue. Even though there is such a huge age gap between the two of you it sounds like you made the right decision 🙂

  24. If you’re not strong enough or adult enough to make your own choices about your own life…about your own happiness…you end up with whatever other people want/allow you to have.

  25. Lovely elements: the church family, the stability, the gentleness, divorce being comparable to doing their thing elsewhere, knowing each other so well for so long. Curious elements: her dad and his views, the “church” response, the perception of rejection.

    Hey hey hey. Remember school? Fitting in. Not fitting in. The cool crowd. The nerd bunch. Remember work? The cliques. The suck-ups. Family? The schisms. The unhealing scars. Just why is ‘church’ under attack? Why not her parents … the love interest … the family? Why not “living”?

    Confused.com over and out (with usual chuckle and wooden spoon in back pocket)

  26. As a single woman approaching 60 in a couple of weeks (gosh, am I really that age…..?), I say go for it. If two people are good friends, have the same values and then fall in love, why deny a rich and fulfilling union.

    Why do people deny themselves Happiness?

    It’s your life, not your parents, friends and/or siblings. Would this 30something lady tell her family how to live their lives. Would she dare criticise her siblings choice of partner? I suggest …..not.

    If your friendships and family genuinely love you, they will embrace your Happiness and choices in life.

    If you have to move away, make new friends or join a new Church family in a distant location, so be it.

    We so often lead ‘half a life’, purely & simply because we’re afraid of what others will think. We deny ourselves the pleasures of true friendship and/or unconditional love at the risk of arousing disdain and rejection amongst our peers. We even take jobs and waste years of our lives trying to please others (I did).

    Don’t look back on life with regret (at missed chances).

    My late Mother did (as revealed by her diary).

    • “It’s your life, not your parents, friends and/or siblings. Would this 30something lady tell her family how to live their lives. Would she dare criticise her siblings choice of partner? I suggest …..not.”

      Vicki, you’re pointing out something I think about a lot. So many people out there want to tell others how to live their lives….but if someone were to tell them how to live their life they would get pissed off…..a lot of hypocrites out there for sure.

  27. Sounds a little insular her world of ‘the church’ and your pal’s life experience appears limited, literally parochial. It’s possible with the scene you depict to convincingly argue the case for either turn of events, but to provoke my prejudice I would say it seems a shame to run away with the old fella. He sounds like he’s misbehaving, and should go find himself a girlfriend his own age. Other old guys might want to give him a slap and tell him not to mess with the youngsters – where’s his maturity? I ask myself all these dodgy questions: is he exploiting her, why has he established no relationships to date…maybe older and wiser birds have sniffed him out a lightweight.

    Well, that’s not very generous…who can say? An emotional response – of one variety, 😉

    • ” He sounds like he’s misbehaving, and should go find himself a girlfriend his own age”

      brightonsauce,

      I’ve had a number of 40 & 50ish men (as well as women) who’ve told me they get really annoyed when people tell them they ‘have’ to date people around their own age……I guess I’m wondering why we think they have to date someone their own age? is there a rule about this somewhere

    • As I stated what I gave was one variety of emotional response.

      Ultimately it is none of my business – although the the easiest thing is to describe love being blind to the age divide without examining any consequence.

      When I was twenty I found the power dynamic spooky – old guys heading overseas to fetch younger wives from Thailand, for example, but maturity makes me more sympathetic to all our shades of grey:

      My kneejerk is provoked by memories of an old colleague who seemed instinctively wired to turn all puppydog headspin every time an 18 yr old girl crossed our path…yet couldn’t hold a conversation with a woman his own age

      I don’t have a moral element to what I said. You described a man who had set his heart on one of the children of a congregation who had all grown up together…yes, I know not to judge but he sounded like a dog. I’m sorry to be judgmental.

    • I totally feel ya….and I appreciate your honesty

  28. My wife and I have a 15 year gap AND we are interracial. We got some grief from people at first who thought I was just using her. I’m the older of the two of us at 45 and we began dating when she was just 23 and I was 38. Seven years later, we are married with a toddler. Sometimes you just have to screw what anybody else thinks.

  29. Well, if it would work for them fine; for me what comes to mind is that maybe he doesn’t want kids or has been snipped or whatever but then again maybe she’s not very concerned with having kids. I know for me 27 years is a big deal and like you described… I’d feel like I was dating my dad. That’s too uncomfortable for me. I’d cope with 15 years but more than that gets dicey for me especially if that guy had kids that were in high school. I’d be splitting the age gap between the guy and his kids. For me that would be too awkward, but that’s just me. Others don’t have any issue with it and if not, then go for it. While 27 years is a lot in my mind, if nothing else because of maturity or financial reasons could be something to consider, it’s not like she’s 18 and he’s 45. She has her life together and has been super responsible so they are much more “even” like that despite age. Even though I personally think 27 years is an awful lot, I wouldn’t go out of my way to prevent something from happening unless there were clear red flags and here that’s not the case. It’s unfortunate to hear that they may be missing out on something so good because of “fear” or how others can be. I hope something can work out for them.

    • “I’d feel like I was dating my dad”

      Jen, lol…yea…I think a lot of people would feel that way……but a lot of others wouldn’t….”different strokes for different folks” I guess 😉

  30. We can all identify with this couple from our various positions. Life is about trade-offs and this particular one is no different. Do I give up a well paid job to follow my passion in an unpredictable field, do I have a child and risk the manifestation of a genetic disorder prevalent in my family, do I move abroad to improve my career and disrupt my children’s education? Life is confusing because these decisions are genuinely difficult. Hopefully, this couple will make the right decision for them.

  31. I’m just curious as to what is wrong with him not being married at 57 y.o. but she did date other guys and she is the one who would have to live with him. at the end of the day if she doesn’t there might be regrets later. decisions, decisions, decisions.

  32. Anything “outside the box” is sure to raise questions. The relationship would definitely have to be extra-strong to survive. On the other hand, a 29-year-old woman dating a man 27 years her senior isn’t quite as taboo as if the sexes were the other way around… food for thought.

  33. very interesting article – and 2 thoughts:

    first, it may be just me, but if these two are deeply (madly, truly) in love, well all of this family approval stuff should be a non-issue – and their union would be paving the way. I know the age difference matters to many, and actually, he may not be around to see grandkids (but who really know when our number is up).

    second, just because the girl has a successful job and career – well it does NOT mean that she is necessarily ready for marriage any more than someone who does not have those things – I know it is a sign of stability and mature success – but many times – not all – but often those kind of successes translate into bumps in merging – where sometimes people get set in their ways, or they know how to reach goals and achieve, but may not always make the best partners, which takes yielding and growing as one.

    Now I know what you mean to say she has “it all going on” – but this may only be in the area of achievements – and she may have nothing going on in other areas… I am sure she does, but just saying it does not mean anything about interpersonal skills or character or mission. Many times people who flounder careers, have no degree, and who do not own a place – well many times they “have it going on” in areas that are less tangible and more intrinsic. Just a thought… but very interesting post!

    • you may be very right and she ‘doesn’t have it all going on’ when it comes to be ready for marriage…..I don’t know her well enough to truly know that…and even if I knew her well, even then who am I to truly know another person’s heart or mind….

    • 🙂 well thanks for the reply = and I wish them both the best….

  34. Why is it that so many people call themselves “Christians” and then go about doing just the opposite of what their Jesus said they should do? Why would you want to belong to a church that is that judgmental? Why would you sacrifice your happiness for a church full of people who really do not love you like they should. I understand Kenneth, that you are Christian so, no offense, but I do not know ANY Christians who are not judgmental. My advice to this young lady would be: go with your heart, and be happy.

  35. Churches are often too concerned about who we fall in love with. Jesus seemed concerned with some other issues.

  36. The age gap is definitely something to keep in mind. While she still has a large part of her life ahead of her, the gentleman has probably reached his peak. Also if she wants kids, she’ll need to marry the guy ASAP since he’ll be in his late sixties or early seventies when they graduate from college. Not to mention it will be unlikely he’ll ever see grandkids.

    I think that if she is having doubts, then maybe she ought to look for younger men who have the same characteristics as the guy she currently likes. Because if having the approval of parents and friends is important to her then she needs to readjust the relationship she currently has. Sure, she may not know guys the way she knows this one, but that’s part of being in a relationship.

  37. Kenneth, after reading this one post of yours, I am officially clicking the follow button. Good stuff man! A wonderful subject to ponder! And to add a bit to the given information (if it hasn’t been already), is that there have been even bigger differences in the age of people in the bible who end up getting married! In some cases, the man has been a good 100 years older than the woman… or girl… whatever you want to call it. So, if 27 years is robbing the cradle, a 100 year gap must be like murder!

    Good stuff man! Keep it up!

    Catch you later!

    – M

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