Scheduling our friendships…REALLY???

post it board

by Kenneth Justice

~ “Kenneth I can’t believe it…..the soonest he can hang out is sometime two months from now!” he said

I was hanging out at coffee last week with a friend of mine and we were talking about my upcoming Drinking in the Culture Tour. My friend was telling me about this good buddy of his and how much he wants me to meet him before I begin my tour. “Kenneth, he would totally love this coffee shop tour you’re going on and would want to hear all about it

Unfortunately, when my friend called his buddy he found out that the soonest the friend could ‘pencil him into his schedule’ to hang out would be sometime in a month or two.

Oddly enough, this isn’t the first example of friends ‘scheduling their friendships’ that I’ve seen in my life. Many years ago I called up a friend of mine to see if he wanted to get coffee together and he told me that he was really busy with work and family responsibilities, “Kenneth, could you call me back in three months?” he asked…….I never called him back; that was 15 years ago.

I’ve run into that guy at weddings and birthday parties over the years and every time he see’s me he comes over and gives me a hug, “Kenneth, man, I miss how much we used to talk and hang out together… should give me a call sometime so we can catch up” he says…….I never do.

Am I being stubborn? I don’t think so. The simple fact of the matter is that all of us make time for the things we really want to do in life. Did my friend really not have a mere hour to hang out over a 3 month span; I think he was exaggerating.

Look, I understand the need to be organized and to schedule certain things in our life in order to not feel overwhelmed with all of our day-to-day responsibilities. I’ve used a photo today of what my Culture Monk virtual post-it board looks like. I use an APP on my I-Pad called ABC Notes and any time I have a conversation with someone that I think might be worthwhile to write an article about; I create a little post it to help me remember the details of the conversation……..organization helps me remember.

However, too much organization can be a bad thing.

—-) Too much organization can kill artistic creativity

—-) Too much organization can hurt friendships

—-) Too much organization can destroy spontaneity

Take for instance family life. Can you imagine a father or mother that ‘schedules’ time with their little children? Imagine saying to your 7 year old; “I can only hang out with you on Monday at 6PM“. What kind of family dynamics would that look like?

Sure, I understand that for many couples scheduling a ‘date night’ helps them to stay committed to having one night alone each week………but let’s be real; all those date nights will pale in comparison to unadulterated spontaneity. Sometimes its fun to simply get in the car and start driving. Sometimes its exciting to have no plans and to simply see what the night will bring.

One of the common complaints I get from people about church is how they say it feels less and less like ‘community’ and more and more like a bunch of meetings. Instead of church being a positive social time of interaction, a time of really connecting with other people…..too many churches have turned their focus toward endless meetings.

Organization and schedules are are goods tools…..but don’t we have to be careful not to allow these tools to overwhelm our lives and kill the uniqueness of the moment?

Too many things in Western Culture are changing society in ways that appear to be negative. When I sit in a coffee shop and watch people enter; 5 out of 10 people walk through the door with their eyes glued to their phone……is that a good thing? Besides the awkwardness of when they bump into each other because they are not looking where they are walking……what is all this ‘looking at the cell phone’ doing to the spontaneity of human interaction?

I don’t have a problem with scheduling times to meet with friends. In preparing for my Drinking in the Culture Tour, I’ve been spending the last week working on a fixed schedule that I can post of dates and locations in order for readers, bloggers, and everyone else in between to meet me when I arrive in each city. Schedules are a good thing. BUT, don’t we need to be careful that schedules aren’t running our lives? Shouldn’t we leave a little time open for a little spontaneity? Weren’t some of the best times you’ve had in life totally unrehearsed?

I’m late on my coffee this morning because I’ve got so much to do….my plane leaves in a little over 24 hours and I’m a tad bit excited.


(P.S. If you haven’t heard I’m going on a national and worldwide tour of 100 coffee houses in 2014 check out my link for the news and stay tuned for dates and locations <link> )






Categories: Culture & Society

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92 replies

  1. Agreed. I have a friend who does the same thing to me, asking for me to call her in a couple weeks or so, and she always complains about how busy she is (as if I’m not), yet she has plenty of time to make frequent Facebook posts. People who don’t make time for people, especially their friends, bug me.

  2. I went and saw Walter Mitty with my 24 year old on her birthday this week. He had a travel journal his Dad gave him before he died. Walter never went on those trips because a life situation intervened. Nervous excitement to do something you love is the best. People who don’t share deeply with me are soon gone from my life. I do not see the point. I am around lots of people, that don’t know me because they are shallow. Recently, I changed my routine. I got lots of text messages “Where are you?”, but not too many phone calls. I agree. We make those people important to us our priority. Quality is what moves me.

    • “quality is what moves me”

      Exactly…..there are a million people in the word that. Can have shallow conversations with….it’s the people who want something more that interest me 🙂

  3. i am often on the receiving end of a busy schedule. But think with my friends that has more to do with the fact that they have bigger families who they spend a lot of time with and or have bf’s or husbands, so a single friend is always pushed to the back of the line. When that happens to often, i tend to retreat and feel a little unloved, understand that these are not mere acquintences, but close friends. so i pull back and i isolate myself till someone eventually contacts me after weeks or months of silnce, wondering where i have been. an i simply say i’ve been busy.. not like they’ve missed me anyway

    • One thing that has always annoyed me are the men and women who when they are in a relationship practically ‘disappear’ ….I’ve always believed that a truly healthy relationship means you will still have time for your friends

    • I agree. one of my besties got married at a young age, we dont see each other often, but she never made me feel like that a ‘date’ with me depended on whether she had a date with her husband first. in fact that happened to me this very week with another friend. I had asked her if she and her bf were available for lunch on Sunday. she responds that she has nothing planned but she wants to check with said bf if HE HAD ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THEM FIRST. She never got back to me, so im assuming i dont have to cook extra food to accommodate any guests

    • Yea what that second friend of yours did is exactly the thing that gets under my skin….I usually pull back from those friendships until they get their act together

    • i do the same. But i always forgive her for doing that because we have been friends for so long and one smudge like that is not enough to completely disregard her as a friend. she is definitely the kind of friend i can call up to ask for help or to bemoan my heartsore

  4. When I was in my early twenties, I had a regular circle of about twenty friends that I saw on a weekly basis. By my mid twenties I helped to start a school and got engrossed in building a school. Though I had gained an excellent reputation within the community, I was always “too busy” to get together with others. It seems I was even too busy for my own daughter who responded to my statement, “I’ll be home in an hour.” with an more accurate statement, “Yeah, that really means three.”

    After working for the school for more than fifteen years, I realized that I had no close friendships and I had made a mess of my personal relationship with my family being “too busy”. Then I went on to work for the church and became even “too busier”. Eventually, this stuff catches up to you…Who wants to look back at life that was too busy to create friendships?

    One day I decided to stop being “too busy” and put family in it’s proper place of importance, created “new” friends and made time for them. Now, when I look back I get to see this awesome family that I am part of and I feel very grateful to have the quality friends that I have surrounded myself with and it only took a little bit of my time to create all of this.

    • Mrs P, wow great comments….it is exactly stories like yours that I have in the front of my mind all the time…..part of the reason I decided to spend this year going on my blogging tour is that I thought to myself, “Kenneth, look, you can tell yourself that your too busy to do something like this…or you can simply make up your mind to do it….”

      I’m glad that u figured all this out before it was too late Mrs P. 🙂

  5. A good reminder to slow down and leave room for some spontaneity , thanks for sharing your excited this morning Kenneth.

  6. As I get older I realize more and more that making time for friends is so important. Years ago I worked with a man who married very late in life and when he retired from teaching I rarely saw him. We had an open invitation to go to his new cottage that he built himself. I thought about him often and kept saying I needed to get in touch. One day the phone rang and I saw that it came from his number. I remember thinking ‘oh good, now we can arrange a time to get together’. Unfortunately it was his stepson on the line telling me that my friend had died. What a shock.
    Recently I had tried to get a group of friends from high school to get together because one of our friends is very ill. It took months to organize and in the end it was my friend who was sick that really got the ball rolling (we had to work around her chemo schedule). The good news is that we’ve all gotten together at least 3 times in the last year and we have another date in February. I hadn’t seen some of these people in over 20 years. We’ve tried to find more old friends to come to our reunions and sadly we discovered that one of them died shortly after getting a letter from us. She apparently was looking forward to seeing all of us again. None of us, including her, knew how ill she was. Life’s too short to put things off.

  7. Yes! Total agreement!!! No, you’re not just being stubborn!!!

  8. Really interesting thoughts. I’ve worked with people who actually do schedule in time with their kids so they can have some time with them in amongst priority their work. Really sad.

    Every now and then my wife and I will find ourselves in the car with the kids of a night, just driving somewhere, doing something totally unplanned. They genuinely love it. One evening we spontaneously drove to a big tower with a viewing platform that gives great views of our city – my then 10 year old (unprompted) said it was the best night of her life.


    • Great story….children love that kind of thing. I think there is a natural sense of spontaneity in kids and they thrive on it at times….of course, they also need structure; but too much of it becomes, as you said, “really sad”

  9. I am completely guilty of living by my calendar. Completely guilty. I schedule dinner with friends, when I’m going to the gym, and have an all-too-intimate relationship with my to-do lists. I am the least fun person I know. However, I’ll also defend my calendar-and-scheduling fetish. It’s the one way I know that I can make time for people that I care about, that I want to be with.

    Am I spontaneous? No. I’m also probably not a lot of fun, according to most people. But to be honest, I also don’t care. Those relationships that I make time for are good, deep relationships, not the shallow end of the pool.

    P.S. I also suck at phone calls. Except skype. But you need to live overseas for me to skype.

    • Well…I totally understand how schedules can help……but do friends have to schedule three months in advance to see you?

    • Sometimes, yes–but that is because we’re trying to coordinate five people in four different cities (so I get a pass on that). Day-to-day stuff is kind of on a weekly basis. I’ll ping to find out if someone wants to go for a walk on Saturday morning, and we wind up going for tea on Monday evening instead. For me, a schedule helps me make time for what matters.

    • I can totally understand needing to schedule in advance for five people to get together, so yea, u get a pass 😉

  10. I have learned a lot about boundaries and how they play in relationships this past year. I have been hurt over and over by friends who never seem to have the time to do anything. I learned to walk away. My love language is spending time… I have a close nit group of friends who get that now. Unfortunately, there have been some recent heartache with a long time friend over this. What really hurts even more is saying to the person, I love you and wish to see you more but you never seem to have time. When can we get together on a regular basis? She freaked out. And told me I was being selfish. . After a good year of cancelations, I just could not take it any more. It was a huge learning experience for myself and my children. You make time. If you are too busy, then you need to change something. Sad really but nice to have those around me who value our friendship.all relationships need time , energy and work. We just need to figure out who is worth all three of our efforts. Thanks for posting this. Some things need to addressed!

  11. Can’t somebody take an hour to have a coffee.. People can’t even have 5 minutes to sit still.
    Work planning great do it. Planning a dinner i get that.
    unable to make 5 minutes time and complaining not to have time??How does one spend time.
    If one complains to much they should look closely at what they are doing. And those social media often enough are used as compromises.
    But ho cool is it if a friend is in the neighbourhood and asking to come over for a coffee. Yeah man i would fucking jump over the moon. that i show much i miss HUMAN contact face to face.

    • Ranting Crow,

      as I’ve been reading through all the comments on this thread its interesting to me how varied people’s experiences are. A lot of people are REALLY busy…and for them it seems as though scheduling their friendship times is what works best for them…..

      and although in many ways I might find that difficult to swallow….I totally am open to the realization that not everyone has the same lifestyle as me so perhaps scheduling friendships isn’t the worst thing……

    • I can say fair enough. But one does take it on themselves to be more busy. We are still in control of our lives.
      And one can argue what being busy is. Work. maybe your boss could help someone on job and share the load. but no that is to expensive.
      We should wonder what busy truly means. I take my time to be with friends. And for that my boss can suck on a ‘cigar’.

      What is important to you. because we all need time to ourselves. to busy. i am just laughing. and saying. get a life.

      Good luck on your journey. may you enjoy your travels and drinks

  12. And on top of that if a friend told me to call and he said what he said to you about the 3months. They can go and just forget it. no way will i follow such regime.

  13. Your friend sounds like my cousin. Every time we met she’s excited and tells how much she misses me. Starts scheduling a time for us and never happens. She got a lot on her plate, like I don’t ? I’ve been texting and calling her after cancelling my other plans for her and now I won’t bother even if she begs me to go out.. Lol I might sound mean..but my life is important too. If I wait till I’m done with my agenda I’ll never catch the moment, the break of my day.
    Kenneth you capture moments that are gone forever. ( love pictures)

  14. I’ve come to the healthy conclusion that if a “friend” has to schedule me, then they are just that – a scheduled friendship. Not spontaneous. Not available. Just scheduled. And with that, I make a decision to create space for them. Or not. And usually it is the latter. Life is precious, short, and I am blessed to have friends who do create space for me, as I do for them. Lesson learned: scheduled friendships are acquaintances at best.

    • I have to politely disagree with that. While, yes there are those that you schedule time for and that is that only time that you connect with those friends; so they become acquaintances. It does not have to be the norm. Our best friends, while we text daily, we have to schedule our time with. Normally that comes with a two-four week notice date. We both lead incredibly busy lives, full of family commitments, work, travel. I feel blessed when both of our schedules align and we get a time to put on the calendar, even if it is a month out.

    • Hi, Kat (my name, too!). I get that lives get busy. But one does make time for friends when it is important. I have lots of friends – near, far and everything in between. Those who don’t make time for me are at the bottom of my totem pole. Sure, I may love them, but they are not ones I call when I really need someone. Does that make sense?

    • Yea for Kats!!! 🙂 I totally get that and see what you are saying. For me, my friends know that if it is just a lets get together for dinner/coffee/movie/chit chat session that they are looking at a minimum of two weeks, and realistically four before I have time on my calendar to “pencil them in”. HOWEVER, they all know that if there is an emergency, or something pressing, that I would drop everything and get there; no matter where in the world I am. (I travel a lot) We are a very tight nit group, and understand that how often you see someone doesn’t not dictate how close you are; but what you do with the time you are together and how you are there for each other that does. I would never valuate those friendships as just acquaintances, they are my family.

  15. Brilliant! Hit the nail fairly & squarely on the head.

    I am saddened that so many see friendship as an add-on rather than a powerhouse. I also notice how many of the same people are the first to complain about being alone when the fan is hit.

    Keep up the good work

  16. I’m one of those over scheduled persons. I usually tell people two weeks. I’d prefer a two week notice otherwise I can’t guarantee I’m free. Granted, the things I usually have going on have to do with friends.

  17. Great post, Kenneth, as always. I’m pretty booked up for the next three months — partly due to all the great blog posts I need to read on WordPress — so I HOPE I can meet you for coffee when you’re in Boston.

  18. Does everyone who’s written a book find that most of their friends who are interested in the genre can’t find time to take a look at it?

    I’d find a lack of response easy to understand if people read a couple of paragraphs and decided the style wasn’t for them, but in reality, the prevailing trend is for people not to read even the first word. I’m curious whether I or my title seem particularly unpromising, or if many authors find this happens with their personal friends and acquaintances.

    • Marrikrajjarsen,

      that’s an interesting question……I can’t speak to the specific context of a book but how bout this in regards to my blogging. Its VERY rare if a friend of mine comments on my blog and for the most part….I’ve thought that none of them even read my articles….but over the past few months I’ve had nearly 100 different friends, business associates, etc of mine mention articles that ive written….so apparently many of them DO read…..

      thus perhaps they’ve read the book but merely haven’t said anything.

  19. That sounds a lot like what i feel about some of my ‘so called friends’. Nice post CM!

  20. Well you can set your priorities any way you want and always the urgent will bypass the important. We had planned to see friends last year on several occasions. Every time we were committed our youngest got ill and we had to re-schedule or lose the meetings altogether. I had to go alone to some of them or with the oldest one. And I have been trying for 2 months now to arrange a meeting with the 5 members of one of the photo teams I am involved. We can not find common time all 5 of us! Of course you talk about FRIENDS. People that a special bond holds them together and are ready to give up most everything to help, so a meeting shouldn’t be as hard.

    In that perspective I have nothing to add.

    But lately, things have become different. You see, I used to think that if they really care they would find time to meet, but no anymore. Things are very peculiar here in Greece and I guess the world. And now I understand my friends when they tell me that they don’t have the time. Kids, strange hours at work, many miles away etc. I understand because I know if I am in trouble they will help out. And by pushing for a meeting and not letting it come natural, I just make them sad. I have friends that I call once a year on their name day. You will ask what kind of friends are those and I will tell you the best kind. The kind that shares common memories from the childhood years. And since we are not children anymore, and our lives run so fast with the new obligations that deprive us of the vast amounts of time we used to have as kids, we have to settle for a reminder of our friendship even if it is once or twice a year.
    But yes, I won’t pretend that this isn’t saddening or that it hasn’t changed the nature of our friendship. That would be a lie.

    • Vassilis,

      everything you’ve written I totally understand. here’s what I’m wondering though; perhaps life is different now-a-days because ‘back in the day’ its a fact that more friends/relatives worked together. Thus, by default; when you work at the same job with your friends and relatives the dynamics of your relationships are much more increased/enhanced….

      because the economic situation is so bad in so many countries….many of us do not live near our friends, family, etc…..and very few of us work along side of those whom we consider our closest friends…..

      life has changed…A LOT

  21. Like everything else, there seems to be a need to find a middle ground, equity between scheduling but allowing yourself to just live. Life is a journey of finding the appropriate checks and balances for each of us. Each of us have different needs/wants so that right “balance” is always going to be a little different also but that’s the goal it seems. It sounds simple but man it takes effort. Super excited to hear about your first leg of the coffee tour! Try and have one hot chocolate for me instead of coffee lol. 😀 That would be awesome – you could put some Bailey’s in it haha. Have fun!

  22. I really liked this. I liked seeing how others viewed this need to schedule friendships, honestly it was intriguing. As someone on the other side, with three kids, husband, multiple businesses, and always traveling, we do “schedule friendships”. Our kids come everywhere with us though, need to be in Vegas for an overnight the kids come, need to go to San Diego for a meeting the kids come, so while I think the comment about scheduling family time is a bit of a stretch, for us we HAVE to schedule time with our friends. And the reality is, we do have times where the soonest that we might see someone will be 6-8 weeks out. This has no baring on how we feel about them, or that they don’t mean the world to us, or if they need us we are not a phone call/text away. But, without scheduling time and putting them “on the calendar”, we would miss seeing them all together. I understand what you are saying about schedules running lives, but sometimes it also makes time for those friendships. Just the other side of that coin, for your thoughts 🙂

    • Kat, I was reading all your comments and I totally understand where your coming from. I think in your situation ‘scheduling’ is an important way for you and your family to keep in touch with people….scheduling makes sense.

      Perhaps I should have added another dynamic to my article, because one of the real concepts in the back of my mind about scheduling friendships was not really about people in your situation….or people who truly ‘need’ to schedule because of their responsibilities….but rather; I know a LOT of people who WANT busy schedules just for the hell of it…..they don’t NEED to have busy lives but it something that they go out of the way to do……its those people that I wonder about.

  23. You have my standing ovations for this blog post, Kenneth!
    Have a great time on your worldwide tour of 100 coffee houses!

  24. If some friend call me now and say let’s go out, i’m ready to go in 10 minutes 🙂 but being honest not always I have the mood to socialise, so I’ll say, tomorrow for sure. Then of course planning is good but not for meeting my people.
    Par example “if someone says hey let me think if i’m ready to have a child, then the couple falls apart, and after a year the guy come back ready to do it. What she would say?” I need another year of thinking 🙂 Seriously? Some people are really nuts these days!!!

  25. People socially add people on Facebook by the hundreds and really have no meaningful connections. A person is limited in their time account. With that said, one can only have a few great friendships and be truly dedicated.

  26. This post…really?

    This reminds me of what my dad used to tell me. ‘When you ask someone to meet up and you were told they were busy, that’s just an excuse because if they really wanted to meet, they will always find a time, and there is always enough time’

    Great post. I’ll be stalking your blog from now on 😉

  27. Thanks for visting jjhaiku2014. If you come to a coffee house in Victoria British Columbia which is pretty close to Seattle, I will make time to stop by.

  28. “Shouldn’t we leave a little time open for a little spontaneity?” Inspired!! Schedule spontaneity. Keeps the schedulers and the non-schedulers happy. I bow to your innate wisdom. I am off to schedule that right now. Do you think spontaneity takes more than one hour a week? Mmmmm ….

    Looking forward to your first tour blog. The hype merits something awesome!! 🙂

    • Paul….your comment made me realize there was a much better title I could of come up with, “scheduling spontaneity…really?” …..and don’t bow to my innate wisdom lol…I’m just a punk who loves drinking coffee 😉

  29. I completely agree that if the friendship really matters people will find the time, however to me it just means you may not be the high on their priority list, not that you don’t matter at all. I guess it is up to you to decide if that is acceptable or not, with me I won’t chase friendships either who are too busy for me.

    Life is too short and I would much rather spend my time with people who want to spend some of their time with me 🙂

    Yay for the coffee shop tour! Enjoy!

  30. I have been reading your blog for almost a week now and I must congratulate you, Kenneth, for your creative capabilities, of turning a mundane topic into such an interesting and serious conversation over a cup of coffee!

    I couldn’t agree with you more about the way people exaggerate that they are so busy that they don’t have time to hang out with their friends. Obviously it is just an excuse! Nobody can be as busy as that friend of yours!!

    I don’t drink coffee but the aroma of your coffee has been encompassing around me, in a weird way!

  31. nice post – and pretty cool to see the “virtual post-it board”

  32. Well, you remember I told you, Kenneth, that my circumstances tend to cut me out even further from a lot of people’s day to day. I can’t afford a smartphone or any other mobile device now, so I’m not doing social networks while I’m walking around (I quit Facebook and barely tolerate Twitter). I don’t often get out much at all, really, because of my health issues. Because I’m on disability, I don’t have an employed work schedule– the homestead-ish chores keep me busy, but it’s a much slower pace compared to those I know.

    I try to be there for my friends, but to be honest, as I also said, I get more interaction from the night crew at Wal-Mart most weeks.

  33. I am sure that spontaneity is the most underestimated thing in today’s world. Nothing makes me more happy than a sponanious visit. I think mankind have forgotten what spontaneity brings to your life. It is when you get the chance to know new things about your self because it is not planned within your own comfort zone.

  34. Great points! And thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  35. Excellent post, I’m nodding away in total agreement! I am so tired of people telling me how ‘busy’ they are or how ‘manic’ things are. We are all busy. When I find myself saying the same thing to others I feel ashamed. I have been trying desperately to think how I can find more time to get my blogging and writing done while not taking away precious time from family and friends and in the end I realise that no amount of organisation is going to work because it kills all the three things you mention in this post. So I’ll keep going as I am and hopefully not fall into the trap of telling everyone how very ‘busy’ I am because in effect it is like telling someone that they are not important enough and that is a terrible thing.

    • “I am so tired of people telling me how ‘busy’ they are or how ‘manic’ things are. We are all busy. When I find myself saying the same thing to others I feel ashamed”

      I’m totally with you on that

  36. I say all the time that people make time for the things/people they want in their lives regardless of what else is going on. Telling someone “I’m busy” to me is another way to say you don’t have time for them. Just say you don’t want to hangout/talk or whatever.

  37. I’m not sure what it says, but the very first thing I thought of reading this post was my boyfriend, lol! We’ve been dating for about 2.5 years, don’t live together, and virtually all of the time we spend with each other is planned in advance. As a general rule, we only see other 1-2 times per week (and live in the same town). And, yet, this has somehow managed to work for almost 3 years.

    I think, perhaps, we may both be oddities.

  38. Totally agree, Sometimes people are really busy and need to schedule a time for a chat with friends, if months go by without there being a convenient time slot to see each other when you don’t live hours away from each other though , to me that’s a very clear signal my friendship isn’t valued and I need to take myself away from there.

  39. Kenneth, love, love, love the way you write! Of course I’ll now be following! Thanks also for dropping by my blog and giving a like, much appreciated. Have a wonderful tour and spread some love :).


  40. Thank you for liking “Wind Carvings.” I do not get upset or troubled by people who show an interest in keeping in touch with me and then have trouble following through or do not follow through at all. I am a busy person myself, and I figure that the people who are truly my friends will keep coming back to me regularly whether by email or phone or the spontaneously sent Christmas card.

    I also agree with you that not everything in life should be scheduled. We should not get too comfortable in our everyday routines, especially in the world we live in today. What if there is a sudden emergency such as an earthquake or a mass shooting? The people who can be spontaneous and think on their feet will probably have a better chance of surviving than the people who are slaves to their smartphone calendars and planners.

    Thank you for writing this thought-provoking post. 🙂


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