I didn’t sleep with her…REALLY???

2 no i didnt

by Kenneth Justice

~ “Kenneth, she wanted to go back to my room right there and get it on….but I told her no” he said

The last couple mornings here on the Caribbean in Costa Rica I’ve been getting coffee with this late 30ish divorced guy, “Kenneth, we simply got married too young and one thing led to another and we were both too deep over our heads” he told me when we first met. Now, two children later he is divorced, and finds himself in Costa Rica this week with a buddy of his who is getting married in two days here on the beach; my coffee acquaintance is the best man.

Last night he went to a bar and struck up a conversation with a 21 year college girl from the West Coast….she’s here for the weekend on some kind of college excursion and she had scoped him out at the bar in order to get laid.

Kenneth, she was doing everything she could to get me to invite her back to my room……but I couldn’tΒ do it. Its not that I didn’t want to have sex….its that she simply wanted to use me as some kind of story she could tell her friends when she got back home” he told me this morning.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking….then you’re wondering if this is perhaps the only guy left in North America with any sense of decency, “Kenneth, her and I must have talked for two hours but oh my god, she had nothing of any substance to say. She was clearly some kind of sheltered suburban girl that merely wanted to ‘get wild’ while down in the Caribbean before she goes back to her boring life” he said

Normally, if a guy meets an attractive woman at the bar who wants to go home with him; its a done deal. But perhaps there are actually guys out there (like this one) who want something more. Maybe its because he’s been married before and is now divorced….maybe he has learned that women aren’t merely some kind of meat to be obtained the way so many men treat them.

I wasn’t the best husband to my wife” he told me, “And even though we probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place…..it doesn’t excuse me being a piss-poor husband

I’ll be honest, I was really surprised to hear what the guy told me….because most any other guy in his shoes would have jumped at the chance to spend the night with a beautiful young woman who wanted no-strings-attached…not to mention the fact that the girl was 21 and he is nearly 40; many guys dream of that scenario.

Yet perhaps, maybe that is where the world has gone wrong. Maybe meaningless sex with someone you don’t even know….is nothing more than meaningless.

Perhaps we’ve lost the true value of what sex is. Maybe we’ve succumbed to the Hollywood version of sexuality that says ‘good sex is a one night stand with a beautiful woman you meet in the Caribbean’. Maybe good sex is actually sex with someone we love.

I’m reminded of movies about married sex and they usually don’t portray it in the best of light;

—) American Beauty is a movie about a dead marriage and a husband who begins lusting after the teen girl next door

—) About Last Night is a film that shows a couple in the midst of a somewhat boring period of their marriage and the temptation they both face when they are both given the opportunity to have an affair

—) Swinging with the Finkles is a film in which a a husband and wife experiencing a lull in their relationship consider ‘swinging’ with another married couple

There’s no end of examples when it comes to Hollywood and boring marriages……it seems that sex outside of marriage is usually portrayed as ‘hot’ and sex inside of marriage as ‘not’.

This afternoon at a beachside restaurant/bar I’ve been hanging out a lot at I met a couple from Austin, they’d been married for 30 years and this was their first trip to Costa Rica. “What’s been the secret to your marriage” I asked them,

Well, we didn’t rush into this time” the husband said, “We were both married before and we didn’t want to make the same mistake twice. So there was no love at first sight or anything with the two of us….we simply wanted to make sure we knew what we were doing” and sitting with them for the better part of an hour I can say; it seemed like they are still every bit as in love with each other as they were three decades ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging or condemning people who want to hook up in the Caribbean with some stranger….each of us have to make our own choices and figure out our own lives. But I wonder, how many of us are really making our own choices? Are we doing something because we really want to do it….or are we doing it because Hollywood has convinced us that its something we want?

Is meaningless sex in the Caribbean with a stranger really good? Or is finding someone that you are able to truly connect with on both a mental and physical level something more worthy to seek?

As I write this I can hear bats chirping as they fly around my bedroom and the sounds of Howler Monkeys are in the distance……too late for another coffee but I look forward to one in the morning

Kenneth

(P.S. If you haven’t heard I’m currently on a national and worldwide tour of 100 coffee houses in 2014 check out my link for the news and stay tuned for dates and locations )



Categories: Drinking in the Culture

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86 replies

  1. certainly what happens
    in the Caribbean
    stays in the Caribbean πŸ™‚

  2. So many people are trying to figure this out, Kenneth. Who knows what the right answers are? Personally, connection is all. Thanks for your searching and illuminating thoughts.

    • yup,

      I definitely don’t want to say the dude would have been ‘wrong’ to have taken the young woman up on her offer…..but on the other hand, maybe sex is better when there is more to it than just…well….sex….;like intimacy, connection, communication, conversation, etc.

  3. I admire the guy’s honesty but sex is so complicated, it can mean whatever you want it to mean. Dammit, marriage is so complicated that I would never try to get inside the heads of a couple that has been married a long time. It’s true that people get influenced by Hollywood but that’s the purpose of all culture, to influence us. Is it intuitively better to be influenced by highbrow culture than lowbrow culture?

  4. It does warm my heart hearing stories like this. There’s nothing wrong with people who want to live their lives how they want to, even if it means hooking up with random strangers. However, this gentleman seems to want actual substance from sexual encounters, at least at that time, and there is something admirable about that. When everyone wants a quick fix, sometimes it’s nice to wait for quality.

    • The engineer complex,

      I agree; its not that I’m saying people should only behave a certain way….but in a world where it seems like everyone tends to do the same thing….it was nice to meet a guy who wanted to something a bit different

  5. Life hardly ever immitates art. As writers we look for the most obscure, unusual, or obtuse situations that could ever occur. If somebody invited you to join fight club, and you said “nope”, there would be no story. If a man in dark glasses in a black car were driving behind you and you pulled over to let him pass, and he tipped his hat at you on the way by, again, no story. Stories are interesting but that’s all that they are: a way to get away from reality and often, to work out the most difficult questions in our world without having to use authentic examples. The reality of mindless sex: you don’t know the person, you don’t know what you’re catching, you don’t know if she’s a bored suburban college student or a well-trained prostitute, and you don’t know if she’s going to rob you the minute she’s inside of your hotel room. The reality of relationships with younger people: you can tell the difference. They lack experience, intelligence, and often, substance. You feel that you constantly have to explain to them, things that you learned a long time ago. Your nostalgia is out of reach for them; their nostalgia is easilly recalled, because your KIDS loved the same stuff. And believe it or not, as we age, our idea of beauty changes. When I was ten, I crushed on ten year olds. When I was fifteen, I crushed on fifteen year olds. It’s naiive to think it stops there, just because Hollywood does. Now that I’m 33, people in their twenties look like little kids. They look like my younger cousins, and my son. I am emphatically not attracted. And as a matter of fact, marriage is a hell of a lot more interesting than they make it out to be. Hanging out with someone long enough to know the truth about all of their idiosyncrasies, kinks, tells even? Heylz yeah!

    • love, love your comments! And I agree…age seems to change our perspective a lot. Now that I’m in my mid-30’s I’ve been rethinking a lot of my perspectives on life. Things I used to believe in my 20’s don’t seem quite as important to me as I’ve found new things that are much more interesting to ponder.

    • So much of what you said really hit home to me. In my twenties, I may not have questioned mindless sex per se, but when I became single again in my mid forties, all of the “unknowns” you mentioned weighed heavily on my mind. At forty, you’re smart enough to know that some lessons learned are harder than others and some mistakes are more permanent than others. So happy to not be in the dating scene…it can be pretty stressful for either sex.

  6. Values might have something to do with it, no? do you value yourself?

  7. I love your argument. for sure love really matters. at the end of the day u will be fulfilled inside when your partner is you love…..

  8. I like that he didn’t want to be used as a story for her to tell back home. I like that he thinks enough of himself that he turned her down and amazingly felt ok sharing that info with another guy. A movie that came to mind about just that was Silver Linings Playbook, where the hero admitted he wasn’t the best husband and he wanted to be kinder and be a better person. It’s good to hear about men like this. Thanks.

  9. I can not find a truer statement than this :”good sex is actually sex with someone we love”.

    except maybe…when you truly Love someone and the connection is just as Spiritual as it is natural, the sex is so good you have to look for the sheets in the morning.,,afternoon…evening….LOL

  10. Nice one Kenneth. American beauty is actually not such a good example, since he realizes in the nick of time, exactly what you are saying in this post. The other two films, I haven’t seen.

    • Ya know, I haven’t seen American Beauty since the year it came out in the theater…and all I can remember is that he was going ga ga over Dominque Swain the whole film….and doesn’t Kevin Spacey die in the end or something?

  11. I’d like to draw some attention to the idea that meaningless sex and sex with someone you aren’t in a relationship with aren’t necessarily the same thing. I had sex with a guy a few hours after I met him, and now, six months later, we are in a happy, stable, and committed relationship. We had an amazing connection as “strangers”, and felt no need to stifle the sexual aspect of that connection to follow a social norm.
    I definitely appreciated that this man recognized that he and this girl did not have that kind of connection, tho. He followed his heart when it disagreed with his penis, and I respect that a lot.

    • obeythestopsign,

      good story, I’ve heard other people in the past tell me similar things; that they hooked up with what would be their future spouse and now they’ve been together for years and years and are madly in love. I think we are all different and every situation has unique variables….I’m glad it is working out with you and your boyfriend

  12. Always refreshing to read something counter-cultural.

    Lots of people try to fill a hole in the ‘need’ department with sex; ‘because someone is giving me attention that’s good.’

    My daughter wrote an entry on a social media site recently saying how peeved she was to find her local gym closing early when she wanted a bit of exercise. Someone she knew who has incredibly low self-esteem wrote, “Who needs the gym when you can have sex?”

    Kind of summed it all up for me & then came your post which confirmed that I’m not going completely mad πŸ™‚

    Thanks & enjoy that coffee.

  13. In our late teens my group had a competition to see how many times we could get laid in a year. It messed me up in all sorts of ways.

  14. Hollywood portrays pretty much anything good in a negative light. It thrives on drama and action, so when you lead a happy, content life it will always be deemed boring. They don’t even want to show happiness in movies so they just end with two people finding each other and the idea of ‘happily ever after’. It is sad that this story you have told is the exception of the norm, nowadays. I’m sure there are many men and women who practice self-control and hold to their morals and values in order to overcome their own desires. Is that not what life is? This is no easy task. I’m sure the situation you have described is pretty high up the list of temptations in this world. We are all struggling and striving to become the best we can be. However, people like this man you’ve described are by no means the majority.

    • “They don’t even want to show happiness in movies so they just end with two people finding each other and the idea of happily ever after”

      Alison, this is something that has always bugged me about the movies; the majority of plots revolve only around the initial dating/relationship…and like you said, they merely imply the happiness ever after…….its as though Hollywood acts like the dating and meeting initially is the only interesting thing about a relationship

    • I agree. I just want to let you know that my name is not Alison. I’m currently anonymous as I’m not yet confident with internet security. πŸ™‚

    • Lol sorry, thereis simeone else with a similar screen name as you whos name is allison….sometimes i get confused πŸ™‚

    • “. . . when you lead a happy, content life it will always be deemed boring.”

      They do movies like that every now and again. “The Notebook” is an example of the genre. They are generally considered “chic flicks”, but it can be done and sometimes it’s even a moderate seller at the box office.

  15. There have actually been studies done proving that college ‘hook up’ culture is a myth. When they survey students, most assume everyone is more comfortable with hooking up than they are. They perceive that hook up culture is a thing even though they don’t participate in it themselves. I sometimes wonder if the idea of hook up culture came out of the growing number of couples who have sex before marriage. Can you really call it ‘hooking up’ if two people who have been dating for a few months to a few years are having sex?

    ….and on the topic of partners. Maybe it is because I hang out with people who have a more liberal slant, but I know very few people who want the traditional idea of a relationship. My girlfriends enjoy their jobs and don’t want to be just a homemaker. The men I know want and equal, with whom they can have interesting discussions with. Of the handful of college friends who did hook up a lot, they still expected the person to be more than a “bimbo.”

    Lastly, I have heard multiple accounts of people who got married too young and too fast because they were oh so in love and wanted to have sex. In short, they got married to have sex and figured the rest of the relationship would fall into place. It doesn’t always work out that way, though.

    • TK,

      I’ve totally known the people who got married to ‘have sex’ and I agree, the overwhelming majority of time those marriages don’t seem to last…..

      and as far as the hook up culture I think it depends on one’s social circle because I personally know a lot of people who are into the bar seen (they are in their 20’s) and the casual hook up culture with people ya don’t know seems to be as thriving as it ever was…….

      as far as younger adults go (say those in their teens) I would say that the dynamics of the hook up culture have changed quite a bit; perhaps young women aren’t as quick to jump into bed with someone they have only just met….but the statistics of young adults who engage in oral sex with numerous partners casually is pretty high. So what I studied extensively in college is that what changed from the 90’s to the 2000’s is that young adults no longer viewed oral sex as ….sex…..so its a way for them to not feel as though they are ‘hooking’ up all the time…

      I talked with a 19 year old girl who said she’d only had sex with two guys……but then later she admitted to having had oral sex with more than 25 (actually she couldn’t count how many guys she had oral sex with) so you can see there is a perspective issue at hand in discussions like this

    • The oral sex thing makes sense. I remember talking about that in high school didn’t consider oral sex to be… well to be sex. Because you didn’t technically lose your virginity which means you couldn’t have had sex. Although, I was getting this information from other teenagers. I don’t even know if it would help to have sex ed define the different kinds of sex. What girls that young want to know is whether or not is counts as a loss of virginity.

      I need to find that documentary somewhere and watch it. It was on a preview for a documentary called “How to Lose Your Virginity” where I first heard accounts of getting married for sex. They also had some disturbing clips of teenagers. They were asking them do define what it means to be a virgin and what makes you not a virgin. Not one had the same answer. Are their three different viginities? do you lose it regardless or only through the method most likely to make babies?

      This is how everyone ends up confused and some of those young people who act on their faulty information might make a huge mistake.

    • Virginity is largely a cultural construct rather than a biological reality.

    • I find this change to be quite interesting and unfortunately attribute some of the confusion to the Clinton/Lewinsky affair. Though I grew up in a more liberal period of time…free love…it was pretty much straight up sex. Oral sex only came into play if you were experimenting or if you were in a committed relationship. The general idea being that experimenting with sex was reserved for someone special…someone you felt totally safe with. I have to admit that I was quite shocked at the most intimate of sexual activities being done by the younger generation willy-nilly. To me, it seemed to take a shared moment of intimacy and turned it into a common place activity…much like shopping at a grocery store.

  16. I have a theory. “The Chase” amongst much you commented on here, “the chase” is missing. Had your friend had to work a little – maybe not quite the same version of events. Just a theory.

  17. This is such a refreshing article! It gives a 20-something single woman hope, quite inspiring. Thank you!

  18. I read a personal account yesterday from a 40 year old man that had women throwing themselves at him sexually. The reason is that he wrote novels and they were his fans. Of course there is always lots of alcohol involved. All of it is about self esteem. These women feel special because a famous guy wants sex with them. The guy wants adoration and rock star status. None of it resembles the sex I have enjoyed in my life.

    • Ellen,

      yea, I’ve read a lot of memoirs and biographies of movie stars and rock stars and it is always a similar story to the one you’ve painted……..they each end with the people much older in life wanting a REAL relationship.

  19. Good post, good comments – as usual! And that sounds like a good guy – I hope he finds a woman he can be good friends with first and then have a really happy second marriage. I agree with paulfg – and I agree with your comment that “meaningless sex is just that – meaningless”. Pity it takes some people so long to realise it.

  20. Love this post because it relates to someone I know very well. She was married to this jerk for about 20 years, now divorced and she could never cheated on him( she had many chances) her theory was that sex is a pleasure with someone you love, can’t be given or taken from strangers.
    I admire your guy for admiting his bad decision in his past and not taking the advantage of the young wild girl.
    Finding someone that you can truly connect with on both mental and physical level it’s more worthy to seek, no matter how long it takes. It’s not about the time, but the true feelings.

    About your bats chirping around your room, I would check the windows if they are shut close. They scare me πŸ˜€

    • actually I had a bat in my room last night! Lol….I just turned the lights off and went to sleep. They tend to go back outside and they rarely bother humans…..

    • You slept with a bat..? In your room? Lol he must of like you.. πŸ˜€

    • yea, but after a while it’s chirping stopped and I think he finally went back outside……best thing to do if there’s a bat in your room is to simply stay chill; they don’t bother humans unless you try to attack them!

    • So, are you trying to tell me that hiding under a table while bawling my head off…over a bat circling in the room…was really unnecessary? I was under that table for a half hour, you know!!!

  21. I think in the end it just depends on what the person wants/needs in their life. Some people thrive having one night stands while others seek out the substance and connection. Personally, I went through several bad relationships and was always left empty by them because there was no true connection, then when I found my wife, there was an immediate connection. We have now been married for nearly 10 years and each year is only better than the year before. I would never dream of a night of empty sex with anyone let alone a stranger. Not to mention the health risks involved with that.

  22. You THINK we’ve lost the true value of what sex is… really?? lol.

    I think I’m inclined to agree, sir. More than think, actually. I’ve thought this for a very long time. Glad to see I’m not crazy all by myself on that one.

  23. Best boring example. Married wiih children or happily ever after i believe it was called with the bunny.

    Other than that we do rush into thing to often. It is also the Hollywood way to find a good looking man/woman. It is about portraying perfection.. not love.

    One night stands sure. they can be good.but we do tent to think more when we get older. We learn it isn’t like in magazines and films.

    • I love Married With Children!!!! AL Bundy’s wife (Peg) was actually kinda hot but they had gotten into a place in their marriage where having sex with her was a chore to him and he didn’t want to do it….that TV show actually pointed out so many great things and always got me thinking about life

  24. (This may end up posting twice)

    Great post. If you’re interested, Ross Douthat touches on some of these themes here:
    http://douthat.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/sex-sociology-and-the-single-girl/

    I’ve long felt that when it comes to sex, many guys are more like popular images of girls (i.e want to wait, believe sex has a certain sanctity, etc.). Conversely, many girls are more like popular images of guys (i.e. willing to sleep around).

    For some reason, in popular culture we decided equality was that girls should become more like guys rather than the other way around.

  25. This could have been me! I almost got married to the wrong guy when I was too young to even go down that road. Everyone around me raised eyebrows, but no one contradicted me. Don’t get me wrong, the guy was a nice guy, and he is currently making another woman very happy. He and I just weren’t on the same page for our future plans. Thankfully, we figured it out in time and were able to break off as amicably as one can in that situation.
    When I met the guy who would be my future husband, neither of us was on the look out for a relationship, and I believe that is what ensured that it would work for us. We took things slow and really went to great lengths to not rush things.
    I admire the man you discuss. If for nothing else, he has ceased to let his impulses control him. That in and of itself is bigger than many people I know. Kudos to him, and I hope he has a lovely time for the rest of his visit in Costa Rica.

    • Good thing you both figured out that you weren’t right for each other before the wedding bells started going off……too many people don’t figure it out in time and then their lives get too messy……

  26. “Meaningless” sex is not meaningless if both (or all) parties involved derive enjoyment. What confuses and confounds it can be tied to one word: love.

  27. In your story, the hero is an experienced person who knows that the quantity for a man isn’t anymore important.
    I do admire handsome teens but that doesn’t make me go wild… On the other side is very touching to find out that you are still in the “market” and someone who is half of your age thinks you are attractive, though we shouldn’t get carry away…I hope I won’t regret at the “right moment” my decision whatever will be…:)

  28. Ah, sex. Will we ever stop rehashing it? So many of these comments involve judgment of this guy, mostly positive, but still judgment. My point of view: do it if you want, don’t if you don’t, and respect the other person involved. And I have to say, I’m getting a little tired of people being labelled as “low self esteem” whenever they do something of which we don’t approve. A lot of people who do things I don’t approve of seem to have way too much self esteem.

  29. love. it’s all about love or merely respect. or maybe both. when you’ve lived, you quickly realize what can hurt you and keep hold you back. i’ve realized in my twenties i didn’t value myself at all. I’ve made mistakes with love, lust and trust. Now i’d rather do without and think about it first.

  30. Oh my….

    In other news….bats and monkies!!! Get outta there, Kenneth! πŸ˜†

  31. Love is in the same boat as trying to tell someone what a cherry tastes like or what does chocolate taste like. So love for one has noting to do with how love for someone else is experienced. I think this guy should be applauded for his decision. Too often we hear about how men use and abuse women and I agree–that often happens. It’s nice to see that, as human beings, we are ALL capable of making these types of decision. I think that sex is more meaningful when you actually know the other persons first name and a bit of what they stand for in the world. IF you are looking for a warm place to put your manhood try an oven and don’t reduce yourself to someone with no meaning–just how I see it, anyway–JIm

  32. I use to live for the moment. Sex with random women was the goal of the day. It really wasn’t until I began studying Theology of the Body that it really clicked for me.

  33. Reblogged this on Cross & Clove Photography and commented:
    Thought this was an intriguing topic and wanted to share.

  34. Thank you so very much for this post! The content is very refreshing and gives me hope. Hope the coffee is great there!

  35. A person’s worldview (how did we get here, what went wrong, how do we make it right) has a lot to do with how they look at sex. For many people, it’s something purely physical, biological. I’d ask people to consider another view: that there is something deeply spiritual about sexual relationships that causes these unions, however casual, to have eternal consequences.

  36. re: American Beauty– I managed to catch the end of that movie when it was aired on television (broadcast, I believe) and the ending… shocking. The messed up aspect of that would have me say it’s WAY more than simply that Hollywood finds married sex less than desirable. No, I’d say it was more of a commentary on just how messed up people can possibly be about sex.

  37. If it seems too good to be true … you might wake up in the morning with one wallet less than you had the night before!

  38. I kind of feel for the 21-year old that has to go home unsatisfied, lol!

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  1. Naivete and the dating scene | bellmk
  2. I didn’t sleep with her…REALLY??? | Middle of the Road

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