I’ve become a whore…REALLY???

ive become

by Kenneth Justice

~ At coffee last week I met a late 20ish woman who was on vacation. Perhaps it was because we were strangers that she opened up and shared with me a problem she has been dealing with, “Kenneth, I broke up with my boyfriend this past year. We met in college our senior year and I loved him very much……I lost my virginity to him and I believed he was the one I was going to marry. But after seven years of our relationship going nowhere I had to end it” she said.

Ever since we broke up I’ve been out-of-control. I’ve slept with at least fifteen guys in the past six months and to call it like it is; I’ve become a whore. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life……I don’t know what the point of anything is. I even had sex in the car of a guy whose name I never asked, I met him at a bar back home” she said

While talking with the young woman I got the explicit vibe that she didn’t want to hear my opinion….and that was okay. We talked for an hour or two but she never really opened the door to actually wanting to hear what I was thinking.

The simple fact of the matter is that I see people like this young woman all the time….and not just young women but young men as well.

So much in Western Society these days revolves around our relationships; who we date or marry plays a big part in defining who we are as a person. For some people, like this young woman, while she was in a relationship she found that she was happy and content, “I was a pretty good person while I was with my boyfriend…..but after I broke up with him I felt like my whole life spiraled out of control” she said

Why do we allow our relationships to become so central in who we are as a person? As a Christian I’m familiar with the whole concept that when two people are together they ‘become one’ both spiritually and metaphorically……but does that mean we have to literally define ourselves based on who we are married to or dating?

Having recently returned from Costa Rica it’s easy to be distracted by all the wonderful aspects of the country; beautiful weather, incredible scenery, a laid-back lifestyle……and not notice one of the main problems that Costa Rican’s struggle with; their relationships. According to one study, “The most significant trend [in family structure in Latin America] has been the increase in single-parent households headed by women

I talked with three Costa Rican single mothers about the rise in single-parent families and each of them agreed that there has been a steep increase in the number of Costa Rican men who are shirking off their responsibilities to their wives and girlfriends. Yet, I don’t get the impression that Costa Rican women whose husbands have abandoned them see their lives spiral out of control afterwards….in fact; just the opposite is true. According to the study I quoted; Costa Rican single-mothers are actually rather successful in being providers for their children and family.

So what is the source of the emotional strength of the Costa Rican women? I suspect it has to do with family; Costa Ricans are very connected to their families. Largely a communal culture; young adults tend to stay living in the communities they were raised in and therefore have strong social support around them when they go through tough times.

One of the notable things I took away from the young woman I was sitting with at coffee is what she had to say about her parents; “My father abandoned us when I was a teenager and my mother is an alcoholic” she said

Perhaps that is a failure of Western Culture; instead of defining ourselves within our family and larger community; we connect too much of our identity to the person we are married to or dating….and it leaves me wondering; why?

—-) Why are so many people obsessive about their relationship?

—-) Why do so many people drop their friends and family in favor of a relationship?

Shouldn’t a relationship enhance the connection we have with our relatives and friends? Shouldn’t a relationship make us a better person….rather than a more dependent person?

It’s always interesting to me how much attention Hollywood and the music industry gives to relationships; a mere cursory glance of entertainment could make someone think that all that matters in life is ‘being in love’…….yet isn’t there more to life? Isn’t there a deeper meaning and purpose to our lives than simply the person we are married to or dating?

I’m not trying to discount dating relationships or marriage……not at all. But in a culture where 50% of us are likely to get divorced; perhaps we are all missing something when it comes to the subject of love, purpose, and identity.

Just a few thoughts as I sip my coffee this morning,

 

Kenneth

If you haven’t heard I’ve begun a national and worldwide tour of 100 coffee houses <click> dates and locations are available on my website

 

 



Categories: relationships

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86 replies

  1. O yes, I hear what you’re saying and you’re so right. But somehow many of us fall into that “trap”. Did I say trap? Hm, I guess we trap ourselves… Let me have a coffee.

  2. So very much on target . We must learn not to define ourselves by the presence or absence of others nor upon what they do or don’t do. We belong to ourselves and should not self esteem or self loathing contingent on others unless of course our behaviors are hurtful to others.

    • “We must learn not to define ourselves by the presence or absence of others nor upon what they do or don’t do”

      ABSOLUTELY!

    • That was so perfectly said, Carl! I think in some ways we, women especially, are almost socialized to believe that who we are as individuals is always dependent upon someone else. I remember being 12 or 13 and all the girls at school were moaning about whether or not they were going out with someone. The reality is that when two people become so dependent on each other without interests outside of the relationship, it eventually fails.

      It’s taken a long me a long time to learn all of that. But you’ve said it so beautifully.

  3. I believe we had that before. We are taught happiness comes with a relationship. It is a way of being someone. it has become a status symbol. just like the industry shows. they happy when having someone to hug. and they jump from person to person more than a whore does. just to show they happy.
    And we do value family less than our status. Blame parents as faulty yet as you mentioned in Costa Rica those woman do not complain they huddle up and make it work as family does.. Pretty sure they have drug problems to.

    As for being a whore? why can’t a woman have an itch that needs to be scratched?

    • “As for being a whore? why can’t a woman have an itch that needs to be scratched?”

      lol! Well I didn’t call her a whore…lets get that out of the way! lol and for the record, I’ve written articles in the past saying I believe it is a nasty double standard that guys who sleep around are given a slap on the back and said to be ‘cool’…but women who sleep around are criticized and called ‘whores’……

    • Sorry if it came across you said that.
      I know she called that her self. apologies.
      And I do not agree with those double standards. An itch is an itch. Man or woman. LOL

    • lol no your fine…I just didn’t want anyone else to think I was saying that! 😉

  4. I have a friend from high school who did the same thing. She was one of those girls who always has a boyfriend and tended to obsess over him. Our senior year of high school, she could not wait to graduate, turn 18 and finally be able to get birth control without parental permission. This was important because she was planning on losing her virginity that summer (she had done everything but… as we say in high school).

    So that happened, and the guy broke up with her soon after. She completely collapsed. I think it had something to do with who she valued herself. She felt like nothing and was just looking to fill the emptiness. I believe she has found herself in a healthy relationship today. It’s true that her family was a bit…. broken. Still, I feel like that can be overcome with strong friendships. Friends are often as close or closer than family. It’s in how people push everyone away when they start dating someone that puts them in real danger.

    • TK,

      I think your right; the stronger our friendships are the less inclined we will be to put all of our energy and individual definition in who we are married to or dating.

      I’ve known so many people who ‘fell apart’ after they broke up with a girlfriend or boyfriend. one person I was acquainted with really well ended up at a psyche ward because he simply couldn’t deal with the fact that his girlfriend turned down his marriage proposal

  5. Our mass consumer culture makes it appear that “falling in love” is possibly one of the highest goals to attain. Whether it’s princess movies, shows on Disney or Nickelodeon, most music – whether pop or alternative, movies, the gamut all seem to have that underlying message. And it’s almost an unattainable, at least over the long haul, kind of love relationship they are promoting. I see the affects of those messages starting to affect my own kids and those I work with.

  6. Maybe I am getting a tad crusty. Except that youth seems heavily involved somehow in these observations of “all gone to pot”. The one a late 20’s lady. I used to call myslef lucky if I met a lady with such an outlook on life. Now it takes too much energy, too much investment and way too little reward. I have moved on. Just like my parents did in their day. Back in the day? I wouldn’t be reading this blog (or any other). Too busy knowing all the answers and having all the fun. I seem to remember sleep didn’t figure high on my priorities either.

    • Paul,

      interesting observations you have this morning. The youth of today definitely have unique characteristics compared to previous generations. Many psychology and sociology books have been written in recent years that are pointing out how serious young people of today have become;

      there is a very big emphasis in young people’s lives to ‘be something’ or ‘to do something important’ with their life……whereas previous generations merely woke up in the morning and went to work, dated, and did what young people tend to do.

      A lot changed in the past 20 years….Reality Television has sewed seeds in many people’s minds that they should become ‘famous’ i.e. important……….just like the reality tv stars they watch every week.

    • And a very insightful reminder of how things change. Being famous an end in itself – no matter how. All I know is that my mum and dad thought they had delivered us in the devil’s playground, as did their parents, and us with our own children.

      Yet “children” have nothing to compare against. So I never thought I was anything other than me.

      (Conversation with eldest son about drugs when a young teenager. Eldest son patiently hears us out. Looks calmly and loving at us and says “If I wanted to get something, I could walk out of here and be back with them in 5 minutes. It’s just I don’t want to.”)

    • Paul,

      well your eldest son must have made you proud and smile with that comment 🙂

    • stunned mostly 🙂 and then proud after we got back up again!

  7. Kenneth, When we are immature emotionally and spiritually, we are susceptible to the influence of society’s definition of happiness. As you mentioned, Hollywood mostly pitches happiness through relationships and some of us buy into it. We don’t realize that happiness originates from within and can be enhanced by the right external connection (relationships) or activity (writing, swimming or star-gazing). But I found that when I was young I had to go through a few relationships before the light bulb came on and now I’m in a much better place. My faith has a big part to my getting to this point.

    Ranting Crow – your last line is too funny – yet society has deemed for many years that when a woman decides to scratch the itch she is presumed to be a whore instead of someone lost. It should be the same for men…lost…searching for external happiness. Sex for sex sake may seem pleasing for the moment, but then it is gone…this can get old real quick. At least this is my opinion.

    • “But I found that when I was young I had to go through a few relationships before the light bulb came on and now I’m in a much better place.”

      great point. I think a lot of parents want to protect their adult children and don’t realize that for many people; they need to go through certain things in order for ‘the light bulb’ to come on as you said. Sometimes we can ‘know whats true’ but until we go through something we don’t truly know it……

    • Well said! My thoughts exactly. 🙂

  8. “Isn’t there a deeper meaning and purpose to our lives than simply the person we are married to or dating?”

    I’ve been struggling with this exact concept, Kennth. This past year I made a choice to become more focused on who I am and what I need in order to be a healthy human being. I could feel myself sinking into a pit of what’s best for everyone else.

    The amount of guilt I have and am given for following my dream stays on my mind. My whole life I’ve always been the girl everyone could count on to know the dates, plan the events, remember the who, what, when, where, and whys of everything. I’ve always been counted on and I’ve allowed it.

    This past year I came to a crossroads of sorts.

    “Shouldn’t a relationship enhance the connection we have with our relatives and friends? Shouldn’t a relationship make us a better person….rather than a more dependent person?”

    I believe so. I don’t know. I’m rambling and cannot complete a thought. You have me thinking…

    NOW I REALLY need coffee…

    • “The amount of guilt I have and am given for following my dream stays on my mind. My whole life I’ve always been the girl everyone could count on to know the dates, plan the events, remember the who, what, when, where, and whys of everything. I’ve always been counted on and I’ve allowed ”

      I feel many of the things you are expressing; when we are people that others count on and that we must be responsible towards…..it can make it difficult for us to see who we are….our responsibilities can end up blurring our own perspective. One of the most loving things that families, relatives, friends, spouses, girlfriends, and boyfriends can do is to give freedom to and allow those they love to pursue their dreams….and not hold them back.

      perhaps there is some balance we can find in pursuing our dreams while at the same time staying connected to those people in our lives.

    • “….and not hold them back.” That my friend, is the key!

      Yes. I try very hard to keep a balance because I do enjoy many of my life roles. It’s like what the man said below about the woman and the well…I feel God’s push on me to write and become who I’m meant to be in this life. To finally have an awakening and a vision for my life is a blessing. One I’d love to share with those I love, if only it was also understood and seen by them. Finally allowing ample time to do so, feels perfect. I can’t give that up, either. It always comes down to a balance.

  9. What you are describing, and it is prevalent both in and outside of the church is marital idolatry. That is, when one finds fulfillment in another, and not in Christ alone. Due to our nature, we are bound to disappoint and that it is why it is futile, ultimately, to seek fulfillment in others. This is that subtle difference between those that are ‘loyal’ and those that are ‘co-dependent’.

    This message is what Christ was trying to convey to the Samaritan woman at the well, who had 5 husbands and was currently living with another man. Christ encouraged her to come to Him for ‘living water’ and be satisfied, eternally.

    Nice write-up Kenneth.

  10. Promiscuity is definitely indicative of a lack of a moral compass and respect – for one’s self and others. It is painful to see and hear those who walk this road. The journey and end of promiscuity is always death. It shocks me how people freely give of their bodies… especially in the age of rampant diseases. But the heart of the issue is a lack of faith and belief in God. We were all once lost and enslaved to sin. We need to show compassion and point people to the only source of LOVE – Jesus! He alone completely transforms us! How beautiful is His work in those who believe and abide in Him.

  11. love, purpose, and identity . . . begins with the man in the mirror and works it way outwards . . .

  12. This woman would have been 21 when she lost her virginity. Then she had a 7 year relationship with the “one”. She showed quite a bit of restraint and maturity. Lasting longer than most young marrieds. Now she is 28 and the dream of having found her “soul mate” in her first lover is gone. A vacation in Costa Rica is certainly a nice way to have given herself a treat. When people talk about doing things they later regret it is time for outside help. If she wants to stop bar hopping and screwing in cars with strangers, well she will have to stop going to bars for awhile. Until she gets why she can’t stop the spiral.

  13. Why? Well maybe she/we would have fewer extra curricular activities if one connected! You have to love yourself before someone can love you or at least feel worthy of love. I’m sure she will look back and say it was the time she felt worse about herself. Trying to replace the Ex with anyone available! And heck yes your relationship should be more important than friends and anything else. That doesn’t mean to void all others but to know what is important. You aren’t going to live the rest of your life with all you friends intimately. Of course the relationship is central. I wonder if she/we has ever had a long term relationship? That is 2 years or more! That again may show an inability to connect and may need more deep thought and consideration.
    I just wrote a Blog on coming out to your parents if you are Gay! If you do not, you will never be able to have long term relationships and go from person to person for your entire life! Now who would have ever thought? Sigmund Freud! I just read about 18% of adults 18-35 with insurance have chronic mental illness! Wow! Maybe a lot of “Whores” out there! Great Blog for stimulating contemplation and thought provocative ……Thanks,
    claudy

  14. My parents had extended family living with them during the depression, but since then (and perhaps its because they didn’t like it), we’ve been a prosperous country (somewhat lol) and we were able to live more individually. We have been involved with women’s movements, equality of blacks (somewhat lol), religious freedoms, etc. Breaking away from the mold has been what Americans have done since the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower. I don’t think anything has changed really except it’s gotten more pervasive and I’m not sure in a good way. I know that, sadly, I would not want my parents living with me. I came from a dysfunctional environment with a mom that left when i was in my teens. Do I want her here? NO. Would I accept her if she was in need? Yes. It’s no wonder 18% of adults 18-35 have chronic mental illness. We are not nurtured. I’m 54 but most kids are left in front of gaming consoles to babysit them because parents are too busy working. It’s all gotten out of control. Where is the love!?

  15. I rather be Loved, than Owned.
    People enjoy trying crazy things through their life, but suffer on balancing. Wise ones can find the strength and courage to stand up for them self, keep their identity and move on. Family and friends can be life saver in situation like your wild girl (whore) I feel terrible for her..I think I would of suicide my self by now if I’d nick name my self.. (Whore).. But that’s me. What is world turning to?

    Wonder? Did she hit on you too? ..lol

  16. As far as finding love goes, kids grow up thinking that falling in love is the ultimate thing to achieve, yet nothing tells them what comes after finding it. It still takes work on both sides.

    I think the reason my wife and I work so well is that our marriage does define us, but within that marriage we allow each other to define ourselves. We accepted who we both are and we work to support one another. Even if we do not agree. Love is only a part of it. There is a “happily ever after”, but you are not going to find it if you do not work for it.

    I also agree on the double standard, men can sleep around and are considered “studs” and looked up to like heroes or something. Women do it and face a barrage of negativity. It is wrong to judge women and reward men for the same behavior.

  17. i’d rather be single and hang out with my friends than collecting rubbish! Just saying.

  18. My monkish blogger/observer friend…Thanks for a great, great post about one of the failings of our culture. We do tend to put way too much emphasis on the relationship that involves sexual intimacy and not quite enough on all the wonderful ways we are connected to one another in this world. I don’t know if it is an obsession with sex or not, but I think it might be. As a United Methodist pastor, I get to hear people all the time fixating on the sexual orientation issues that are flooding our church but the truth of the matter is that all of these issues point back to the weakness we have in looking at ourselves as primarily “relational” creatures and then allowing our Western culture to place the primary relationship as a sexual one.

    I don’t know how many straight people I know who cannot for the life of them have a decent and healthy relationship outside of their marriage. It is a bigger issue than we are giving it credit for being.

    Thanks for your erudite (man, have I been wanting to use that word!) observations!

    • ha well its always nice when someone uses erudite in a nice way regarding my writing 😉 ….and on a side note, one of my best friends in life, who died two years ago, was a United Methodist Minister, we had coffee three Saturday mornings a month for 19 years.

  19. It’s all choices really. You choose how you will handle a situation, i.e. spiral out of control (something i experienced in my early 20s) or to pull yourself towards yourself (something i LEARNED and CHOSE to do when i realized im worthy). Perhaps she was so defined by being someone’s partner, someone’s girlfriend, she didn’t know who she was without that title

    • right on…..one question that many of us ponder is how much ‘choice’ do we have in matters like this…are we really making free will choices or are our decisions predetermined by the way our parents, relatives, community, etc raised us.

    • i think that is upto the individual as well? yes parents, relative, etc influence but it is then YOU who decides, will i follow the path they set as an example or will i be determined NOT to be like them in any way?

  20. After 10 years of relationship a friend was left alone with couple of abortions bewteen…because he wasn’t “prepared” for that was to come. The irony is: the guy got married very fast and the new couple have kids. She was devastated…she started dinking, not whoring…
    We know love is blind thus what is after it’s up to us. She’s okay now, though she’ll never get rid of him. Sadly for some when love makes victims!

  21. While I haven’t read all of the above comments, I did see one that referenced ‘choice.’ And quite simply (because it can be simple), it boils down to that. We choose to make things more complex than they need be. We choose to allow others’ opinions and definitions to creep into our being. We choose with whom and what to connect with and whether said connection is worthy of our ‘relationship’ energy. Were we to look at relationships in a semantical context, there is a spectrum across which they lie. Step away from a social or cultural definition of ‘relationship’ and its much more about with whom and why we choose to connect.

  22. It’s nice to see someone else noticing that cultural bias. If you’re interested in looking into that more, you should check out Bella DePaulo’s blog, and parts of the singles and asexuality movements. It’s quite fascinating from a cultural perspective even if it’s not personally relevant.

  23. “While talking with the young woman I got the explicit vibe that she didn’t want to hear my opinion….and that was okay. We talked for an hour or two but she never really opened the door to actually wanting to hear what I was thinking.”
    Ok, as a woman I couldn’t help but just quickly comment on this statement here. A quick lesson on women ranting 101: Women feel the need to share how they’re feeling. In doing so they are processing what is going on inside them. It also helps them to feel better. They’re almost never asking for advice or for a man to ‘fix’ her problem. hehehe. We truly are ‘out there’ creatures.=)

    On the issue of love, my opinion is that Americans/Westerners have a wrong understanding of what love truly is. I had a friend from Bangladesh and she was in an arranged marriage. She was really upset with another Bangladeshi friend of mine who returned to Bangladesh to get married (arranged by parents), and then went back to Canada and left her there. He said that he didn’t ‘love’ her. My friend told me that you ‘learn to love’. Love being an action word. A verb. Being “in love” is not love. Albert Einstein once said, “Only a life lived for others is a life worth living.” And when one marries, the idea is that you are entering into that relationship to make the other happy. Ooey gooey feeling last, at the most, a year. Then what?
    Blessings =)

    • Staci,

      yea, 10 years ago I would have volunteered my opinions every time I got into a conversation like that but these days I find myself listening a lot more than I find myself talking……

      and I always love that Einstein quote. I’ve talked with people on both sides of the equation in an arranged marriage; for one person I met it worked out splendidly and they told me something similar to your quote, “you learn to love someone” ….for the other person it ended after 16 years and is a sad story…..so what does it all mean; I don’t really know!

    • I guess it means humanity. I personally wouldn’t want someone else to arrange my marriage for me. I would want a say in the matter. But then again, I grew up in a culture like that.

      And especially with girls/women, I’m sure. I guess wisdom really does come with age 🙂 Now if all men could just understand that too (hehehe).

      Blessings =)

    • Yea, no thanks to an arranged marriage…I don’t think I could deal with that at all……..

  24. Ego Ego Ego it wasn’t till my late 40’s, doing yoga and with a guy who tossed my ego back instead of trying to fix things [by changing me], that I became self aware. Jealousy anger fear sadness seem to be frustratingly connected the annoying fact that humans have ego. The best thing I could share with my highschool interns is that awareness of this helps letting go of the attachment to it. Practice of compassion, rather than attachment, is now my goal. I haven’t figured how to do that yet though lol and I’m 54.

  25. The problem I think is that we are created to be in relationships. But as with anything… There is a right way and a wrong way … There is a healthy way and an unhealthy way.

    I counsel people to get healthy, get help, before they get into another relationship. If you are unhealthy you have to set the bar pretty low because you will not be attractive to a healthy person. You will continue to get into one bad relationship after another.

    You have to come to realize, after multiple bad relationships, the problem is in you.

    • Agreed: I too believe that we are relational beings and that there is an innate desire within us to pursue relationships….unfortunately a lot of people sacrifice their integrity and self worth by pursuing bad relationships

  26. So your photo selection I think is always interesting and today’s is no different. Are you calling that guy a whore? And shouldn’t it be man-whore then? Unless that’s a woman and um my apologies. It just seems your photos tend to match the content so I’m wondering what you’re saying with this particular one…if anything. 🙂 That said – Marlene pretty much what I wanted to say on this particular matter. In a society that’s become so fast paced, Internet dependent, somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten self-value and forgotten how to interact with people, etc., that we expect happiness to be like a McDonald’s value meal – fast, cheap and easy to obtain – but that’s not true. With younger generations, I think it hurts that there seems to me more and more parents who just rely on tv and music to do the teaching and NOT really working with kids to talk to them that those movies and songs are just entertainment NOT real life. We have at least one generation who has no clue about the difference between reality and entertainment because no one is teaching those kids about it – and that doesn’t just apply to romance either. It applies to violence and how to deal with tough situations. Kids are so emotionally immature now because parents either don’t give a crap and are letting tv be the teacher OR parents have become helicopters and hover – not allowing the kids to learn to take care of themselves – another form of disconnect from reality.

    • Jen,

      For some parents it is a losing battle because when the children are at school television and music are reinforced as influencers when that is what all the other kids tend to talk about. For the average child: they spend more time with their peers and teachers than with their parents……so whats a parent to do?

    • It’s amazing to me how you always always always want to just lay blame on the media. Yes the media can have a lot of influence but quite frankly, it’s allowed to because people don’t accept responsibility for themselves at all and just place blame elsewhere instead. They do this in many aspects of life – hello look at all the crap lawsuits that are out there and people actually win. It’s despicable. If a parent is really going to say s/he can’t keep up just because of his/her kid’s peers, then that person must not be putting a lot of effort into parenting. It doesn’t matter what time is spent in either place is like – the evidence lies with good parents who don’t have those issues and they face the same time disparity. I know I’m not a parent but I have seen lots of bad parents and lots of good ones. I have an idea of how good parenting looks like and in my experience, it never comes with excuses. A good parent is going to have a way to combat time disparity and again from what I’ve seen (either by having worked in a school, watching via my parents who have worked in schools for many years or watching my friends), it’s usually not that hard because the good parent has a connection with the kid and even during the trying teen years, it’s not as hard as it seems (not easy and not perfect but also not as difficult as people tend to make it out to be either – granted it varies from parent to parent and kid to kid as some are more difficult than others).

    • “it’s amazing to me….”

      Jen, at least you can say I’m consistent 😉

    • LOL well this is true 🙂

  27. The assumption nowadays seems to be that if you aren’t “in a relationship” there’s something wrong with you. As for this poor girl, her self-esteem will just get lower until she finds her way out of the vicious circle. Glad you lent her your ears and a shoulder to cry on.

    • It’s really sad how many people believe the “if you aren’t in a relationship there is something wrong with you” I have a couple friends of whom this idiom is plaguing their thoughts

  28. So . . . how was she?

    – kidding! Totally kidding!

    Yes, I think it’s strange too, like we need to own someone or something. It’s like instead of two lives, we each lose half of ours and two people are left sharing one life.

  29. I think sometimes tough love is needed. The term ‘whore’ which according to the free dictionary is defined as
    1. A prostitute.
    2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
    3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
    I think needs to be redefined or accepted as a normal word, as unfortunately it describes a vast majority of westerners in today’s day and age. I know the first step in healing is accepting you have a problem, however perhaps it actually hinders a persons progress, as this woman seems to have accepted this as a character flaw and perhaps doesn’t believe it can be fixed.
    Everyone of us has problems, be it dishonesty, anger management, rudeness or laziness. Regardless it is time we faced our issues and helped ourselves. We cannot rely on others to fix our issues, as they have issues of their own. The best relationships and longest lasting ones I have noticed are those where both parties do not need each other, but rather want each other. I hope this woman and the many others in the same struggle, realise the dangers and find a way out of this vicious cycle and realise their self worth before its too late.

    • “we cannot rely on others….”

      I think a lot of us grew up with the notion that someone else will eventually take care of us and fix all of our problems,

      But as you say, at some point we have to grow up and take responsibility for our own life

  30. Wonderful post, Kenneth — beautifully reasoned, felt, and expressed. Thanks.

  31. “Why do so many people drop their friends and family in favor of a relationship?”

    I think we can blame that on the love haze, an affliction most of us have suffered from but are now hopefully wiser for it.
    And I do blame Hollywood (and other world cinema) too. If only we knew that “You complete me” is the stupidest thing to say to a person. Because honey a real relationship is two WHOLE people finding someone they want to share their lives with, not two broken pieces looking for their other half. The truth doesn’t look as exciting on a card. Hence the entire hullabaloo over the crazy little thing called love.

  32. Great post! First time I have stumbled across your blog and will certainly come back for more x

  33. Do you think it has something to do with the fact that humans are made up like that? W

  34. nice post – and it takes a whole “me” to make a healthy “we”

  35. Actually, my beautiful wife is my best friend and my personal messiah. When I saw her first time ever in my life, like a lightning, I immediately felt, she is goint to save my life.
    In the years, as the babies came and we tried our best in the society, we had to realize, only that would lead us to an eternally loving life, if we listen to our inner, true selves, and studying scriptures, praying and meditating together, and anything comes, there would be a center in our life: Heavenly Parent.
    So, we do have fallen nature, however, together, with unchanging God in the center, we share the deepest and the greatest in every aspect of the life.
    As we practice and develop the four realms of heart, we really created our Universe.
    It seems, our children also come with us this way.

    All the Blessings we receive in our lives are originated in this.
    Unity is not a concept. It is the real love, life.

    🙂

  36. I have opened my new blog bite haven’t started writing
    http://myblognotyours.wordpress.com
    Haven’t been writing here either. :-/

    I have some fairly serious things going on, but haven’t been able to go to God about it much (because I don’t want to let go). It’s so so messy. I’ve never been in this deep and don’t know if I can walk away. I don’t feel like I’m crazy but the situationS (there are 2) are certainly pretty out there. Anyhow, I know you’re busy but hope the tour is going ok and that you’ll be able to enjoy more springlike weather.
    .. One of the things. I’m going to enter into a legally binding agreement w a man (a doctor)so he can get some papers and in return I will get some plastic surgery (he’s not doing the surgery). I’ve only told a non Christian friend. How could I possibly ask for prayer for something like this? The thing is I also like him for real, but it’s not reciprocated at this time (“maybe” after I have surgery). I have never been married. I only want to marry once. Doctor is a Christian too but has been married before, so I guess it won’t be too hard for them to leave. It’s so so twisted, I know. And I haven’t shared the other situation, just can’t.

  37. Well said. In India, family values, culture, attachments with family is given so much importance. One forgets to make a creative self driven identity. It’s created and shaped by reflective thoughts of society. Things will be better everywhere if we will get to know what to focus.

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