“I’m not a porn star”…REALLY???

let me explain something to you

By Kenneth Justice

~“Look, I admit that I cheated….but can you really blame me?” he said

One of the more odd coffee conversations I’ve had with someone in recent years was with the early 30ish man who was in the midst of a messy marriage. After ten years of marriage and a couple children, he had cheated on his wife and then confessed to her of his misconduct; she kicked him out of the house post haste and quickly thereafter filed for divorce.

I had been faithful to her for the majority of the marriage but it got to a point where I was bored out of my mind” he said, “I have a huge sexual appetite but she won’t do anything! She’ll only have sex with me a couple times a month and if I beg her to do something other than the missionary position she simply barks at me, ‘I’m not a porn star!’

I had actually forgotten about the conversation with the man until this past week when a long-time friend of mine called me up. My friend was telling me stories about back when we were teenagers, it was one story in particular that stood out to me. My buddy was at a party where one of his friends was having sex with a young woman on the floor, “her head kept banging into my feet while they were doing you know what…..man that girl was crazy back then, she didn’t even care that there were other people in the room!” he told me

That young woman who lay on the floor having sex surrounded by other people would eventually grow up to be the married woman who would tell her husband “I’m not a porn star”…..and it would be her ex-husband who would sit with me at coffee lamenting to me how sad he was over the dissolution of their divorce.

Obviously the wife wasn’t the sole person to blame for the couple getting divorced. I would never suggest such a thing in a million years. I don’t know all the ins and outs of their relationship but from the little I do know there were many unresolved issues that each of them never really worked through and eventually the man’s infidelity was nothing more than the icing on the cake.

Yet putting aside the various personal issues related to why the couple got divorced, I couldn’t help but think about the way our past effects our future. The woman, before she married surely had no qualms about getting naked in front of other people; having sex in a room with other people in it pretty much declares that you’re anything but a prude.

Yet once she got married her sex life dramatically changed. Marriage of course changes us; whether it is the stress of having children, dealing with finances, or simply learning to live the married life. But maybe it wasn’t merely marriage that changed her view of sex; perhaps she associated any type of sex outside of the missionary position as ‘shameless’…..perhaps she viewed ‘sex’ as something she did in her ‘wild’ days and now wanted to try and forget her past.

Many of us made choices in our teens or early twenties that led us to doing things we aren’t necessarily proud of,

—-) Many of us drank a little too much or did a few too many drugs

—-) Many of us hooked up with one too many people

—-) Many of us threw away a lot of years partying or living life recklessly

And while on one hand it might seem easier to try and forget the past…..to hide it away and pretend that we never did ‘those things’. Hiding from our past can end up being the worst decision we could make.

Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Essentially, if we try to ignore our past it can end up wreaking havoc upon our present; suppressing our past can handicap us in our present preventing us from moving forward in the maturation process.

One of the biggest problems with trying to ignore our past is that it squelches humility; when we forget all of the things we did when we were younger it can lead to us having a self-righteous attitude. There are a lot of parents in the world who hold their children to pretty high standards; standards that they themselves didn’t meet when they were younger.

It’s like the colloquialism about the horse, “The more you pull on the reigns the more the horse will pull”. You simply can’t overwhelm your children with never-ending lists of do’s and don’ts. There is nothing wrong with letting our children venture out and make decisions that we don’t necessarily agree with because we have to remember that it was all those things we did in our younger years that contributed to the person we are today. Sure, maybe we wish we had done a couple things differently…..but that is the beauty of life, it’s impossible to live perfectly.

I don’t know what happened to the woman who said she wasn’t a porn star. Does she tell her current boyfriend or husband that? I don’t know…..but some things are better left to the unknown.

For now I think I’ll have another cup of coffee.

Kenneth

—-In five days I will be in Atlanta for the first part of my U.S. coffee house tour. I’d love to have coffee with you! Check my homepage for dates and locations.

 

 

 



Categories: relationships

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62 replies

  1. “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
    Inspired post!

  2. Excellent read for a Monday morning. Thanks!
    I ‘almost’ wanted to scream. lol

    • I can’t tell if you wanting to scream is a good thing or bad 😉

    • Well….umm….I just shake my head at women like this. Not to say divorce is a one way issue, its not, but this is a fine example of the hundreds of complaints I have heard,(from men) over the years that wives just give up in the sex dept and view it as obligatory rather than a intimate form of showing love. Men then get frustrated and move on, both mentally and physically. It boils down to communication and a lack thereof. Not to mention she may have lost her true self as the years have gone by. The stigma of women actually enjoying sex still survives, even in the 21st Century.
      I may have to write an entire essay on the issue. 🙂

    • Yea, and while I don’t want to stereotype all women into this category, I totally know what you’re saying.

      Its also hard to know if men would ‘move on’ if the women were more active sexually; would those men still ‘cheat’ or leave? I dunno….. but obviously it would help the marriage if they were intimate more often for sure.

    • I kind of wanted to scream at her too lol. No divorce isn’t a one way issue but people forget how much intimacy is a big deal for a successful relationship at any level – it’s a physical expression of emotional connection. We think men want it just for the physical aspect but that’s really not true. Maybe it’s because I’m single, never married or whatever, but I can’t imagine ever deciding to give up sex. I would wholeheartedly support an essay on this issue – just saying. 🙂 I may want to include some comments – women DO like sex, they want it and quite frankly some of them have cheated because they’re not getting enough. Again, just saying.

    • I am so glad you said you are ‘single’ as so many people say they are ‘alone’, which are two extremely different things but that is an entirely different subject. lol
      I will write something up then, although my thoughts on the subject can be rather polarizing, but will give it a go none-the-less. 🙂
      Intimacy is an important part of a relationship, however, simply because one isn’t happy in the relationship gives them no right to cheat as those who do partake in such behavior have no business being in a relationship in the first place.
      Thanks for your input, it is an important subject.

    • Oh trust me…don’t get me started on the cheating thing lol. Kenneth and I have had plenty of talks on that lol. I agree wholeheartedly that there’s never any excuse for that crap. I’m just saying that people forget how important that intimacy element is and what it ends up being a lot of why people cheat – not that I approve by any stretch.

    • As a married man… I’ll vouch for your claim. There is more than just the physical aspect for me, and I’m grateful that my wife, Cimmorene, actually shares your opinion (and Elizabeth’s) although I have seen resistance as she can be glib about discussing it.

      Due to chronic pain, things have been difficult lately, but I appreciate all that Cimmorene has done to adapt and accommodate me.

    • To me that’s what it sounds like marriage is supposed to be about – give and take by both. 🙂

  3. I never got bored with your blog… always wooow… many lessons in it.

  4. Speaking from my own experience, I would guess that the woman is so overwhelmed with everyday family life that she isn’t much interested in sex. Also, many women feel very insecure about their naked bodies–especially after having children. If men would stop the “me, me, me” mentality and really tune in to their wives, they would understand these things.

  5. Hmmmm.

    Can’t say I’ve ever had sex in front of a crowd, but I can admit to more than a little too much to drink back in the late 1970s. I daresay most of us drank too much, back then. I did, purely and simply, because I was shy and found it hard to talk to the opposite sex. Alcohol gave me a little more confidence. That’s the trouble with alcohol (and drugs?) – gives you the confidence to be more than you really are. Men thought me witty and vivacious and the reality was that I was incredibly shy and reclusive – not a party ‘animal’ at all.

    Soren Kierkegaard’s quote is one of my favourites. I’m so glad you mentioned it, Kenneth.

  6. excellent post. I would say that ignoring your past is stupid, as it will always remain part of you, yet it just as dangerous to dwell in the past without using it to go forward and progress, as person, anew. This, in my experience anyway, is especially relevant when treating mental illness and cognitive therapy. It is important to know exactly who you are, warts and all, but you also need to have or be given the tools to use that information to drive yourself forward.

    saying that, it takes nerve and courage at times, but there is a good chance you come out a more complete and socially aware person at the end

    Finally, as regards children, I imagine we’ve all been brought up with do’s and dont’s, but as such instructions are often ignored or bypassed when we are children, I doubt whether the world of parenting will ever change

    • “I doubt whether the world of parenting will ever change”

      Well, I think that some people make a conscious effort not to repeat the same mistakes as the generation before them…. and others simply keep repeating them.

  7. My guess is that she was sexually abused. Many girls that were “sexualized” as children show this pattern. As teens their self esteems are mistakenly based on their willingness to perform like “a porn star”. Often they marry a man that is a sex addict himself. Then without therapy she may have developed shame from her sexual desires and repressed them. This whole story reeks of failure at love. If you love someone that has a sexual problem you do everything you can to see they get help. Not cheat on them. She has got to be better off without this guy.

    • Ellen, you may very well be right. There is so much unreported sexual abuse of girls that it can be really depressing simply thinking about it.

      “often they marry a man that is a sex addict himself”

      That’s a really interesting point, I gotta think about that some more.

  8. I think a lot of women who were promiscuous in their teens and twenties end up like that once they get married. They get addicted to sex having to feel “wrong” somehow, or only view as something to use or manipulate with, and once they have everything they want (husband and kids), they don’t feel like they need to be like that anymore. I’ve seen this story a lot.

  9. “For now I think I’ll have another cup of coffee.” What a great ending to a great and thought provoking post. Really glad I took the time to read it thank you

  10. We can only do good, better acts in our present, the past is always our part. Sooner we can embrace it and forgive to ourselves, the better timing we have to live a life we can love.

  11. Poor young people! I was one once and I have no idea what was going in my head. Not much, I’d say. But once you get older, if you can run through the rough spots keeping your commitments intact, there’s glory on the other side!

  12. Since I’m an old man and free (almost) from the sex thing I can say with certainty . . . “What an overblown, humongous waste of time it is for a man to spend his days chasing after his blood engorged penis.” . . . it is truly a one-eyed devil!

  13. Well true that the past should not be ignored but learned from.
    but cheating is cheating no matter what.
    Not getting what you want. s not a reason to cheat. you got together out of love not for sex. is my opinion.
    but guess there is a think in between the two this generation

  14. I like the quote “Life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forwards”. I agree that we can gain understanding and wisdom by looking at our past, but I don’t think that means that we have to live in guilt and condemnation. As a Christian, we need to acknowledge that we have sinned, that we need help, except that help, and move on. Jesus came to forgive and to show us truth and a better way to live so that we may be free of our past and live in that freedom now and into the future. While my difficult past has shaped me, I am so thankful that I do not need to hindered by it anymore! I like what Paul said: Php 3:13,14 “… but one thing I do (know), letting go those things which are past, and stretching out to the things which are before, I go forward to the mark, even the reward of the high purpose of God in Christ Jesus. “

  15. Ironically, I read this post while enjoying my morning coffee. Sometimes being an old fart has its advantages…we can see where we’ve been in life, but who knows exactly where we are headed? Your post reminded me of a quote I used for story I wrote some time ago.
    “Life is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.” ~Unknown

    Sadly, we all go through the lessons, but how many of us actually learn a bledly thing?

    • “…the test first, the lesson afterwards…” I really like that quote. So true about many not paying attention to the lesson parts.

      Reflection is a crucial part of being a rounded human being.

  16. Perhaps she wanted the sex with her husband to actually mean something. (I suspect sex on the floor in a crowd wasn’t a particularly intimate or emotional experience in any positive way.) Maybe she felt like he was trying to get her to be “that girl” instead of “his wife.” Just a thought. Personally, I think husbands should (at least most of the time) regard sex as a loving, intimate thing…and wives shouldn’t be afraid to get a little rowdy. 😉

    • You may be right. Perhaps she felt like he was trying to her to be something that she wasn’t….i’ll never know….. and your last sentence, well I will just say I concur 😉

    • Personally, I think husbands should (at least most of the time) regard sex as a loving, intimate thing…and wives shouldn’t be afraid to get a little rowdy. 😉

      +1 (sorry, didn’t know what else to say… maybe an old school-VOX [this is good], too?)

  17. Lmao! Reminded me a almost exact story I heard resentely in a freezing night from a friend I miss his funny stories…lol
    I understand that after 10 yrs of marriage sex life will change, but the fact that the woman was a wild girl not wanting to be a “porn star” now.
    Not sure if she had enough of her husband or tired of her life..many thoughts, reasons to understand their divorce. If there was any love between them they would try the porn life too, sometimes.. Lol
    For the cheating husband maybe was a bad, stupid move telling her about the past, which looked like she had no idea? Maybe she didn’t even care what he did? Marriage life can be complicated.
    We can’t never forget where we come from, but remember is a new destination a head of us to adapt .
    Thank’s for the laugh 😀

  18. This reminds me of an aunt I had. According to my father, she thought of sex as only for baby making. So, once she had all the kids she wanted, she stopped having sex all together. That wasn’t the nail in the coffin of her marriage, but the marriage did not last.

    When a couple has trouble in their sex life, I often think it is because of other issues in the marriage. It might even be personal issues that one or both are afraid to tell the other about. This nervousness manifest itself in the bedroom, preventing the couple from enjoying that part of life.

    For all we condemn sex (and simultaneously obsess over it and objectify it), it is a very emotional and, to some, spiritual experience with another person. I think it’s more important to the stability of a marriage than we give it credit for.

    • “I think its more important to the stability of the marriage than we give it credit for”

      Yup. I’ve talked with numerous couples who said that it was sex that helped them get through difficult times in their marriage

    • Did you ever hear about that couple who had been married for two years and were still virgins? I small articles about them in the news. I wonder how they’re doing these days?

      Not to say I wish them any less than a happy marriage. I just wonder how that’s working out for them. Their logic was that, if waiting until marriage is seen by God as good, then continuing not to have sex must be viewed even better by God.

  19. Maybe an offer to the floor once in awhile would spruce up the ole sex life.

  20. The fact that you post daily really keeps me interested. I definitely envy you for that.
    I was just discussing this with a friend, yesterday. Women will either use sex as a weapon or take it away completely. Maybe they lose their drive, but, it, like marriage or any other relationship takes work, and compromise.
    Awesome work!

  21. “It’s like the colloquialism about the horse, “The more you pull on the reigns the more the horse will pull”. You simply can’t overwhelm your children with never-ending lists of do’s and don’ts. There is nothing wrong with letting our children venture out and make decisions that we don’t necessarily agree with because we have to remember that it was all those things we did in our younger years that contributed to the person we are today. Sure, maybe we wish we had done a couple things differently…..but that is the beauty of life, it’s impossible to live perfectly.”

    There is a lot of wisdom in that paragraph. Maybe preventing children from some learning experiences is not such a good idea. I will keep this in mind in the unlikely event that I ever have kids.

  22. I loved the quote about life being only understood backwards but must be lived forward – couldn’t agree more. I feel it’s about hindsight being 20/20 – it’s brutal and it sucks but it can be a wonderful tool if used correctly. It is so important to learn from our past so that we can move forward and live our present to the best of our ability. My dad is always telling me to “learn the lesson.” It kind of drives me nuts lol but he’s totally right. It’s hard to want to learn from a crap past situation but it’s so good to do so – like milk it does a body good. 🙂

  23. Well, when the wife who is a mother too has 8-10 hours paid job and other 8-10 unpaid as she needs to cook, clean, teach the kid and has only 6 hours for sleep when she hears let’s to that and that…,there is no wonder in my scenario why she closes up everything including her legs. And this has nothing to do with what she was before is all about what she is doing right now.
    When the guy tells her about cheating is just to persuade her in his needs not because he is a honest person nor husband nor father. Then if he tries a romantic why to “ask” for “forget the classic type” I guess she will go there and she will take time for an after shower and she will be okay with five hours sleep.
    I also think that if the love is gone, gone is the lust…then why she should fake something? Because the kid needs a father?

    • “then why should she fake something?”

      Good question Dana, and perhaps you are right; maybe there is no point to her faking it and pretending like she enjoy it if she really doesn’t

  24. My father used to have a saying, “We are the sum of our experiences.” He didn’t often come out with gems like that, but when he did, he was spot on. The past forms who we are today, whether we like it or not, whether we want to admit it or not, so we can either work with it and breathe freely, or try to stuff it down into some deep corner of the psyche so that it manifests in ways we can’t control. My attitude has always been that there is strength in admitting that we’ve done things we might not be proud of, or that others may judge negatively. What is done is done, and the best thing anyone can do is learn from past mistakes. Otherwise, those mistakes will have been made in vain.

  25. “You simply can’t overwhelm your children with never-ending lists of do’s and don’ts.”
    –Exactly. It’s all about being an example and teaching responsibility.
    Wow, quite the story about this couple. Especially the party scene. Hmmmm. When it comes to husband and wife stuff, there are a ton of factors that could contribute to all the specifics involved. Not my place to judge either I imagine.
    =)

  26. Okay, you got me with this one. This post took an entirely different turn I did not anticipate! I’m sure all of us have exploits we can file away under “young and dumb” but I suspect that sometimes when you have gone so far left, you overcompensate and shift too far to the right. I suspect they both have some “unresolved issues” having married early in their twenties. I married at twenty-one so I think that gives me some liberty to speak. I only hope they both work out their issues before they affect some other unsuspecting souls. We can’t undo the past. We can allow it to break us or make us. I choose the later.

  27. My take is she injured her brain having sex, and it’s early onset Alzheimer’s. But then the history is sketchy. 🙂

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