“He didn’t want to sleep with me”…REALLY???

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by Kenneth Justice

~At coffee yesterday the young woman sitting next to me struck up a conversation with me, her boyfriend had stepped outside for a minute to smoke, and she was excited because they were celebrating their one year dating anniversary,

We met each other on a blind date, can you believe that? I’m not the blind date kind of girl” she said

What was it that attracted you to him?” I asked, but the look on her face made me think I asked a question that was too intrusive, “I’m sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have asked you that?” I said

No, your question is fine” she said, “Go ahead ask me anything

Was the conversation with him good?” I asked

“Nope” she said

Was he funny? Did he have a good sense of humor?” I asked

Nope” she said

Were you instantly attracted to him? Was there a lot of chemistry between the two of you?” I asked

Nope” she said

At this point in the conversation I couldn’t help but laugh, “Ok, I give up, what attracted you to this dude?”

Honestly….” her tone had gotten really serious and a couple decibels lower, “He was the first guy that I ever went on a date with that didn’t try to have sex with me on the first night. No guy had ever treated me respectfully like that before” she said

Perhaps it’s just me, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of crazy world we’re living in where all a guy has to do get a woman interested in him is to keep his hands off of her. Has everyone gone mad? I mean, what is wrong with men these days in that women have become so accustomed to men trying to get into their pants on the first date, that when a guy comes along who demonstrates a little civility he is like the Lone Ranger; a man with integrity among a culture of crazed men.

At a coffee house last week I ran into a longtime acquaintance of mine, she had recently gotten out of a three year relationship, “Kenneth, I’ve been on three dates in the last month, and each one of the men talked about sports and video games incessantly. I swear, if they asked me one question about myself I can’t remember” she said

Sadly, the culture of men in much of the Western World has declined when it comes to intellectuality. More women throughout much of Europe and the America’s are graduating college than men. It has been wonderful to see how society began to correct itself when it came to gender equality for women; but the unintended consequence seems to be that we are producing more and more Neanderthal men.

Sure, there are always exceptions. Men who write and read and have intellectual depth are definitely out there; but they are quickly becoming the exception rather than the rule. Everywhere I go I run into guys who tell me they spend the majority of their week glued to their fantasy worlds; video game universes that only exist in cyber space.

Video games are killing of our men. Don’t believe me, consider these statistics;

—-) 1/3 of college students admit to playing video games while IN CLASS!

—-) 31% of men in one study admitted to feeling addicted to video games

—-) Studies have found that men are playing video games between 16 – 18 hours a week!

Instead of growing their minds through reading, conversation, and intellectual dialogue. Too many men are exchanging philosophical stimulation for the meaninglessness of video games.

If it sounds like I’m against video games, I’m not; as long as they are pushed to the back of the burner. They might very well be a positive element of entertainment, but the problem I see is that they’ve become a way of life. People view themselves as “GAMERS”. They identify themselves as Gamers, is that really a healthy self-identification?

Thirty years ago if someone spent the majority of their private life sitting alone in their bedroom, they would have been considered to be anti-social. Yet now-a-days, people who live solitary lives, alone in their room for more than half of the week, identify themselves as “Gamers”, as though it’s a badge of honor.

I realize some people might think my overtures on this subject are too severe. Yet when I look at this society of men, filled with a bunch of guys who no longer have the charm and intellectual capacity to keep a stimulating conversation going, I fear we have headed in the wrong direction.

Just a few thoughts as I sipped my coffee,

Kenneth



Categories: Culture & Society

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35 replies

  1. I know grown men with the charm and intellectual capacity for intellectual conversation, who are also “gamers.” Although I’m nearing forty and am not, by choice, “available” (refuse to refer to it as “on the market” I am not a special at the grocery) I remember men wanting sex right off well before video game fans found community through the internet.

  2. Aaannd I haven’t been asked on a date in a year and a half. Sigh

  3. I wonder if your post may have just explained why more women seem to want to select other women nowadays as sex partners instead of having to choose from todays available crop of men. I do not know for sure, if that is happening or just that there seems to be a lot more media and news attention about gay women..Ever wonder if children nowadays are being nurtured to believe they are gay?

    Regards and good will blogging.

  4. I couldn’t agree with you more! What happened to the men of old? The men who had handled their responsibilities first, then played? The gentlemen who treated women right and with respect?
    Having been there, I completely understand how that woman feels. A man who asks for nothing on the first date, but instead wants to know the woman for who she is, is very rare. To find a man who treats a woman right is like finding a precious stone.

  5. Actually, I prefer reading, conversation, intellectual dialogue, and playing chess games rather than video games.

    >

  6. I see this happen often, I’ve been that girl who is surprised when men don’t make it all about sex, or what I can do for them. I can understand why kindness is often mistaken for flirting in today’s world and it’s depressing. The few rare men who are able to discuss more than sports and video games don’t date women of substance, or at least not any women who could challenge them intellectually. I’d bet advertising has had a lot to do with the shift in acceptable male behavior. The video market had to make it acceptable to spend so much time engrossed in their contents and so they did. It’s a vicious cycle where the market creates a demand with no care to the long term effects on society.

  7. Kenneth, You echoing things I have read elsewhere and in my discussions with some young adults. Thanks for this post.

  8. I have no idea what to do about it.

  9. Hi Kenneth,

    You make some good points, but . . .

    I doubt men were really any better before the advent of video games. There have always been plenty of distractions for men (or women) to engage in instead of developing their minds, hearts, and manners. Video games are simply the latest thing that can be good in moderation, but not so good when indulged to excess.

    I’m skeptical of all kinds of pining for “the good old days” when everything was better, before ruined everything.

    Were things really better for women in earlier decades? Were men really more cultured, gallant, and respectful of women?

    Maybe in public they were–though even that I suspect is a bit of nostalgic wishful thinking. What went on behind closed doors was a whole different story. And in the business world, women were often little more than glorified servants and pets.

    What self-respecting present-day woman would really want to go back to previous decades–the decades before video games existed to be the latest bogeyman? Maybe the situation for women in relation to men isn’t great today. But can you seriously argue that it’s worse than it was 20, 50, or 100 years ago?

    Forget what is depicted in popular novels and movies from those time periods. Those are fiction, not reality. In real life, things were worse for women in relationship to men, not better.

    • Oops, some words got left out. The fourth paragraph should have read:

      I’m skeptical of all kinds of pining for “the good old days” when everything was better, before (insert your favorite social, political, or technological bogeyman) ruined everything.

  10. Men have incredible power in the world and so few of them seem to realize it. Women will often rise
    (or sink) to the expectations of the men around them. We don’t like to say that because it sounds kind of sexist and it also puts some responsibility on men that they’d probably prefer not to have, but it is what it is.

    Yes, the Lone Ranger shows up and you just know you’ve got a rare breed who actually sees something in you beyond the physical. That can be quite charming 😉

  11. I think this is a great article that does highlight some of the problems women and men face today. However, I also feel there are more ‘Lone rangers’ out there. Quite often, women overlook men like this – as the woman above probably had done in the past. Eventually, I think we get tired of that and pursue a different kind of man that we hadn’t noticed before.

  12. I have so many comments running through my head…it will end up being a blog post. My recent separation from my husband of 15 years was the result of video gaming addiction. I haven’t written about that part of our “demise” yet. And I have also been on a couple of dates, and find that the men I have met are all so self-centered, immature and yes, all looking for a hop in the sack. It is discouraging to the point that I am looking at being single for the rest of my life. Whatever happened to real conversation, getting to know someone by showing sincere interest, and building a foundation? Thanks Kenneth…

  13. Thanks. It’s ridiculous. Strangers sleeping together so they can date! I thought it was the other way around.

  14. Reblogged this on Quiet Desperation and commented:
    As if he has written of my life recently…

  15. “Anything worth having ,is worth waiting for”
    I think men should take a class on how to treat women. Good points as usual 🙂

  16. all this is true, though you can replace the word ‘gamers’ with ‘blogger’ and it may not be too far off either… I certainly find that I can use a lot of time writing my own blog and reading those of others- some of which are worthwhile and others less so…

  17. Great analysis, Kenneth.

  18. It is sad. I’m a fairly quiet man, but when i’m with another person, it always seems just natural to draw out their thoughts and feelings on a variety of topics.

  19. Isn’t that a bit reflective on society as a whole though…that we all get sucked into technology instead of ACTUAL contact with people? With men it might be video games, with women it’s phones or something – we’re all losing that ability to interact with each other appropriately in whatever way that may be. I’m not sure I personally had the same issues with finding “gamers” but yes it does seem like there’s a hyper-sexuality occurring. There’s that lack of balance again. We are either too strict or restrictive when it comes to sex or push for it too hard. We can’t seem to find the middle ground. I’ve been fairly lucky that I tend to meet guys who like to talk…there’s just always other problems that lead to my constant singleness. Go figure.

    p.s. – I just suddenly had a thought – given that we’re all turning to technology/games – how correct was it that in the future it’s “contact free” sex? LOL. It’ll all be virtual reality/games and no more contact whatsoever…hmmm. 🙂

  20. Isn’t our blogging community mostly men and women learning about and asking questions of each other without the expectation of being able to jump into bed with the latest follower? Some men play video games and some blog. What’s new about that?

  21. I shared the link to this page with my daughter, Roseanna. She will appreciate what you have to say, I think. Good work on this article.

  22. Now that you mention it, I think that’s why my wife (and another women I dated in college) ended up dating me.

  23. I think the best relationships (back in my younger days) formed out of having interests in common. Travel, sports, hobbies, books & so on. Morals and standards formed even longer bonds during a relationship.

    I remember having a longish relationship with a guy I met when living overseas, but he thought nothing of lifting something off a store shelf without paying. I was shocked. I found he liked a bottle of scotch on the breakfast menu. I couldn’t comprehend this drinking so early in the day (even though I liked to drink several glasses of alcohol in the evenings myself). Then I found quite by accident that he had spent 6 months in jail for physical abuse (or something like that, I can ‘t quite remember the exact charge for the jail sentence).

    Stealing, un-sociable alcohol habits and physical abuse went not on my list of standards and although he never, ever treated me with anything other than respect, the minute I broke it off, he went on a drunken ‘bender’.

    He never understand why I broke it off.

  24. I have been single for six months and have gone on countless dates. All but one went exactly as you described: men not able to have a decent conversation, talking about themselves the entire time, wanting sex on the first date (sometimes expressing that desire in a way that made me feel unsafe). The one date I’ve been on that actually went well and had chemistry, he ended up being engaged…as a society I think we are definitely headed in the wrong direction.

  25. video games probably better than TV, at least you get some input. 😉

  26. You hit two pieces here men and women and men and video games. The first is some that men and women have equal responsibility for. I am on my phone now so I will not elaborate. I do agree though that it is sad that that is what attracts her. The gaming in my book is way off balance. I have seen it destroy life’s many in fact it is one of the biggest addictions that has the littlest recognition. I think soon we will see this turn around.

  27. As a man, I fully agree with you Kenneth. I used to be that way, sucked into the fantasy of games, ignoring the perfectly fine humans around me. It wasn’t until I met my wife that that changed for me. She is a woman that I can’t help but talk to and about. My game play went from about 16 hours a week or more to roughly 3 hours a month, unless we are having a Wii sports tennis smack down! It saddens me that I can’t even really talk and connect with men as another man! It’s almost as if they are another species and I was once one of them. As always there are exceptions as with any part of life but as a very general, and blanket statement, “Men be gettin dumb.”

  28. Wonder if he had wanted to . . you know … ???

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