When your new boobs destroy your marriage…REALLY???

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~ One of my coffee house acquaintances got a boob job a few years ago. She explained that, “I’ve always wanted one and three years ago on my 40th birthday, my husband sprang for it as my gift” she said.

To be honest, none of the people who sit at my table ever noticed that she had gotten “new” breasts. Perhaps that is a testament to the fact that our conversations are so interesting that we are less concerned with physical appearances, or perhaps all of us are too dimwitted to have noticed that her boobs got bigger.

“Kenneth, my husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, and everything has been fine….until now. Suddenly, right after I had the operation, our relationship has all but ended’ she told me recently.

Without going into all the details, she explained to me that ever since getting new boobs, the relationship between her and her husband has gotten so bad that they don’t even live together anymore. Of course, I thought it was interesting that a lot of things changed following her boob job;

—) Within a few months she enrolled in college and is a couple semesters away from finishing her bachelor degree

—) After being a bartender her entire adult life. She was recently hired by a non-profit social services program in relation to the bachelor degree she is studying

—) She has made a lot of new friends at college and at her new job, that are very different from the social group she and her husband have had all those years

Kenneth, the bottomline is that I was very in love with my husband when I was younger, but we are just too different now. I was young, and he seemed really interesting. But now, as I’ve furthered myself intellectually, he is still where he was at age 21” she said.

It would seem that in relatively short time, a lot of things have changed in her life, and the boob job precipitated many of those changes. Many relationships have a difficult time sustaining stability in the midst of major changes that take place in one of the individuals. The things that you had in common when you first got together often die away over the years, and if one of the partners is happy with the way things “always were”, they can have a difficult time adjusting to the future.

A coffee house friend of mine thinks that long-term relationships are almost impossible to maintain. He suggests that it is easier to be friends with someone for a lifetime, than to be intimately connected.

One of my closest friends in the world died a few years ago at the age of 84. He and his wife had been married for more than 60 years. They were really good friends, but I wouldn’t say that they were “lovers” in the Hollywood sense. His wife had been going on vacation without him for decades, and in many ways they lived separate lives. But the two of them came from a time when relationships were meant to be permanent, and they both had a deeply profound respect for each other, and up until each of them breathed their last, they were both really good friends.

Is that the best my “new boob job” coffee house friend can hope for? A deeply profound respect for her husband as a friend? Is that all anyone can hope for in longterm relationships? Or is it possible to maintain the emotional and physical high you experienced at the very beginning of your relationship, all the way through to death?

Hollywood gives us a million movies about the beginning of a relationship; the two people meet, the excitement, the sexual energy, the passion. But there are a hell of a lot less films about what happens when the initial excitement slowly fades. In the 2011 film “Take this waltz” Michelle Williams beautifully captures the emotional emptiness that occurs in many people after the passion fades from the relationship. Her husband still very much loves her, but she finds herself feeling lonely and fading away.

I know I could move back in with him and make it work. We don’t fight, we never have. But I keep asking myself if I really want to live with him for the rest of my life. We are so different now, and have almost nothing in common. I really feel all alone” she told us.

Sometimes there are no easy answers in life.


Just a few thoughts as I sipped my coffee,

Kenneth



Categories: Culture & Society

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15 replies

  1. Her confidence was also lifted as well as her boobs. You’re right though, sometimes there are no easy answers. Maybe the marriage was beginning to fester before the boob job. Great post. One love 🙂

  2. If you measure all of life with the yardstick of youth, you’re going to be disappointed.

  3. It sounds to me like her breasts weren’t the only things that had grown. I’m guessing that her continuing education is something her husband was threatened by to some degree. I’m sure the enhancements caused her to see herself differently. Many women talk about a greater sense of confidence with a bigger bust size — and turning 40 is something that tends to make us look at ourselves and our lives, and where we want to be. It was the perfect storm: Bigger boobs, higher education and growing older. You either ride out the storm together or someone gets to ride the blue door.

  4. We always look for some defining wisdom in these situations, but I’ve found there is no right way. Millions of couples have made their lifetimes together work, as lovers, as friends, even as enemies, or all in one. There are key elements; respect, trust, patience, compromise. I don’t think there’s any one answer. The poor woman has my sympathy however, as I’ve generally thought that a good relationship should maintain an even parity on some level. Nobody likes to feel inferior.

  5. Interesting thoughts. I don’t know what it is that helps a relationship stand the test of time. It seems like it can be so hard to find these days. I think it’s a combination of many things. Chemistry, friendship, common values and morals, and probably just dumb luck. Relationships are complicated, and the future is unpredictable. We never know what will happen that could cause a couple to drift apart.

  6. Therein lies the rub. If our looks, interests, passions, ideals, and personalities change with time, then what of long term relationships that are built on those? Do they end? Do we hold on to the relationship? Yet what do we hold on to if the things upon which the relationship was formed fade? Does the relationship itself become its own goal? Do we structure our lives to save an abstraction? Needless to say, I’m single 😛

  7. Just my opinion, but here you go: It is unfortunate that so many folks buy in to the Disney fairy-tale of “happily ever after”. The ‘madly in love’ feelings in the beginning of a relationship are wonderful but simply don’t last. ‘Real’ and ‘true’ love are decisions not emotions; and if you are depending on another person to make you happy then odds are you will never be truly happy in any relationship 🙂 There are lots of couples who married young and stayed together the rest of their lives and you can’t tell me they didn’t grow and change all those years 🙂

    • I agree that the “happily ever after” is a myth that people are led to believe. Quite simply the feeling of being in love is probably a mix of fantasy mixed with hormones. It would be great if such a thing did last forever but we know from observation that it does not.

  8. Making any change in your life is often a precursor to others. This is most likely what happened to your friend. There is an emotional high you get from positive growth and change and on some level this is what she is comparing her relationship with her husband to. This is not to say that she is wrong about her doubts of continuing the relationship. I don’t think there is ever really anything to be gained by pursuing something you have no passion for.

    Or something… I’m gonna go back to my coffee now.

  9. First all, was her boob job a gift for her or was it really intended to be one for him? Second, we all grow as individuals and sometimes that means growing in different directions and potentially apart from one’s spouse. But the question is, was it her boob job that led to her going to college, getting a new job, and getting new friends, or was it her innate need to grow as a person that led to those changes. Would those have happened regardless of whether or not she had a boob job, or was it the boob job that somehow gave her the confidence to make those changes?

  10. Well, when I have had divorces, I usually felt they were ‘meant to be,’ whatever I did and whatever he did, could not be changed. We are ourselves, after all. This also helped when I read a book that suggested “It’s not YOU, it’s HIM.” This is what I take out of a boob job and its effects on a marriage.

  11. It looks like she just out grew the relationship. Hopefully, they can work everything out.

  12. “Is that the best my “new boob job” coffee house friend can hope for? A deeply profound respect for her husband as a friend? Is that all anyone can hope for in longterm relationships? Or is it possible to maintain the emotional and physical high you experienced at the very beginning of your relationship, all the way through to death?”

    I suppose I would not know about the high that people in relationships experience. However, it is my theory that if they die shortly after experiencing that high, then they can still be in it when they die. I would not test that theory though because I am too pro-life for that.

  13. Good grief, if ever there was a story that makes me more firmly believe in evolutionary biology/psychology, this is it. I feel bad for the husband in this story, but… meh, that’s what happens. When you can easily, obviously trade up… well… you do it. It’s not that anyone is to blame, wife/husband, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex-husband ends up with a notably younger woman.

    We are superb at reverse-engineering a narrative that fits the choices we made but don’t immediately understand. I would expect the same if the husband had some kind of space-age penis-enlarging surgery. More confidence, different life choices, and an evolving need to explain why he’s going to up-end his current relationships.

    And it’s not that I don’t believe in God and/or love, but I certain blame God for way less these days.

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