“My girlfriend wants to have sex with me”..REALLY???

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~ I was sitting at coffee yesterday and an acquaintance of mine sat down. A 25 year old evangelical Christian, who has been trying to walk the straight and narrow for the last three years ever since he gave up drugs and alcohol.

Kenneth, last night my girlfriend was all over me. It took everything in me not to do IT with her. I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep saying ‘no’ to her, so I’m thinking about either breaking up with her, or giving in and just having sex”.

The internal struggle that my acquaintance has been going through may seem rather flippant compared to the real life problems that people are facing all over the world, after all, being upset that your girlfriend is trying to get into your pants is small fries compared to the hell that people are going through in the Middle East.

However, for this young man, having sex with his girlfriend feels like a huge violation of everything he believes in; the sanctity of marriage. His church has taught him that sex outside of marriage is a great offense to God, and that to engage in such behavior will stir up God’s wrath against him (or something like that).

Actually, the bible doesn’t forbid sex outside of marriage, due in large part to the fact that people didn’t date in biblical times. Women had few (if any) rights in biblical times, and a woman who went on a “date” would have brought the wrath of her dad down on her; the wrath of God wasn’t even an issue since fathers for the most part “owned” their daughters like slaves.

It’s always interesting to me how my evangelical friends read into the bible things it doesn’t says. The bible doesn’t comment on sex with your girlfriend, because “girlfriends” and “boyfriends” as we know them simply didn’t exist back in those days. Automobiles, condoms, and Frappuccinos didn’t exist either, along with a bunch of other things, so while there is nothing wrong with looking for principles in the bible, it becomes a bit sketchy when we attempt to draw one-to-one connections with a culture that was so different than ours.

This has been my problem with how the Western World treats so much of the third world; too often we have tried to force Western values on other cultures that simply don’t want them. Why are so many people in the United States convinced that “our way of living” is the “right way of living”?

Let’s be honest, the problem in the Middle East will never stop being a “problem” until we in the West get the hell out of there and leave those people alone. Every time we try to help, our help ends up agitating a people group and it takes us another decade to clean up the mess we made.

We see this same ethnocentric attitude in so many areas of life; people who are convinced that their way of life is the right way of life. Last week a couple children were abducted by police and given to Child Protective Services (CPS), and now their parents are in trouble. What is the offense you ask; the children were playing unattended at the park! Its ridiculous! Crazy suburban people have gone too far. When I was eight years old I roamed around town on a bicycle and went all over the damn place. I was gone for hours, sometimes from sun up to sun down, and my parents didn’t go to jail because it was normal for me to disappear for the day at my friends or ride up to the ball park.

Now we have to have a ridiculous term for parents who let their children play out doors unattended; “free range kids”. Besides the obvious similarity between “free range chickens” I am woefully ashamed of my fellow Americans who are ratting on their neighbors for letting their children play outdoors. You Americans who rat to CPS about these things should lose our citizenship and be sent on the next mission to Mars.

Ethnocentrism is evil. Ethnocentrism is the very concept that CPS is built upon; creating a standard for living and forcing it upon all families. In one of my Social Work classes as an undergrad the Professor said, “One of the great problems in our society is that a bunch of white suburban women become social workers and they go into non-white urban areas and force their suburban way of life on them; if a child sleeps on a mattress on the floor, the white social worker will take the child away from the home on charges of neglect because the frame isn’t on a mattress”.

Ethnocentrism is evil. Ethnocentrism is the very concept that the U.S. Government practices at every level. It is why we are in a never-ending war in the Middle East. It is why we throw innocent men and women in jail for smoking marijuana. It is why we penalize people who don’t have enough money to buy health insurance. It is why our government robs both the rich and the poor; because our Government believes they know best how we should live.

As far as the young man who’s girlfriend is trying to get into his pants. Well, as I sat there listening to his story, I couldn’t help but wonder how many other families are being destroyed by too much Government ethnocentrism. So I patted him on the shoulder and said, “I’m sure you’ll figure this out”, and then I ordered another coffee.

Kenneth



Categories: Culture & Society

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22 replies

  1. The hypocrisy of our “leaders” be they religious or governmental is staggering. I’m fairly confident that the rest of the world is dealing with similar problems in their own society so the entire planet is basically full of a bunch of people with delusions of grandeur ruining things for the rest of us. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

  2. Nice rant. Enjoyed every word of it!

  3. The Bible mentions the sanctity of marriage. Is it difficult to accept?

  4. Your friend is not suffering from ethnocentrism; he’s suffering from lack of communication in the relationship. He needs to have this conversation with her, and work out a way so that neither of them feels pressured into something they’re uncomfortable with. He needs to acknowledge that anyone pressuring anyone into sex is not okay; just because he’s male and she’s female and they’re in a loving relationship does not make it okay for her to force herself on him.

    About the CPS stuff: this is a gross oversimplification of what CPS does, as well as who makes up social workers. Dismissing the entire organization as a group of suburban moms who take away any child sleeping on a mattress on the floor as enforcing ethnocentricity is NOT what it’s about. Maybe there are a couple cases here and there where things got out of hand (there are incompetent people in every organization) but this doesn’t necessarily reflect the organization’s mission and modus operandi. And if a child is being abused and there’s nobody in government to look out for them, that is FAR worse; sometimes government needs to step in. Even if hitting and starving your child is part of your culture.

  5. A time where a child is aloud to BE a CHILD is gone. To much we are told to be protective of our children and keep an eye on them. It is strange as in old days it was there as well just that it was locally known and we were told not to talk to strangers or take candy. Now we sweat if a child asks to play outside not knowing what to say or do.
    We have come accustomed to things we forget that time has not changed much just our behaviour. Here we still try to get kids outside and play with their own age. learn to interact. We go so far as to kick them out justto keep them from a TV.

    Now it is strange that kids are being taken for being outside without adult supervision.

    As for the kid. He should also know that being married at age 15 he would have never met this woman let alone have divorced his first. He would have been having sex for 9 years already and multiple children. It is funny how we use old scripture in this time and age.
    On times I think a church has to much power or we take them to fast for being right and true.

    Even these days a church does not feel like debating on the bible or any religious book for that matter. They want it to be true and to be the only truth. I wish leaders of a church opened up more and stop making the bible a rule.

    I am making a pot of coffee. Have a great week.

  6. if people had much more sex, the world would have been a far better place.

  7. Love your posts, always entertaining!

  8. Sex is the engine of life and so of world, nothing must be forbidden in nature but educated. This is my point of view.

  9. I personally believe a sin is a sin is a sin, so sexual sins are no different then say, lying to your boss or cheating on a test or drinking too much. Men however, men of all beliefs, tend to be very obsessed over so called sexual sin and I do not put that on religion, that is flat out biology and male arrogance at play. You see this same thing within atheism, Islam, even buddhism, and it speaks more to the nature of men than anything else.

    ” I wish leaders of a church opened up more and stop making the bible a rule.”

    It’s a shame Kenneth, because I believe that one of our greatest problems is that we aren’t making the bible the rule. So many people take it out of context, ignore the parts they dislike, and try to create a theology that fits their worldview better.

  10. I’m 35 and sleep on a mattress that’s on the ground. I wish some young white woman would take me away for it.

  11. “Ethnocentrism is evil. Ethnocentrism is the very concept that CPS is built upon; creating a standard for living and forcing it upon all families. In one of my Social Work classes as an undergrad the Professor said, “One of the great problems in our society is that a bunch of white suburban women become social workers and they go into non-white urban areas and force their suburban way of life on them; if a child sleeps on a mattress on the floor, the white social worker will take the child away from the home on charges of neglect because the frame isn’t on a mattress”.

    Ethnocentrism is evil. Ethnocentrism is the very concept that the U.S. Government practices at every level. It is why we are in a never-ending war in the Middle East. It is why we throw innocent men and women in jail for smoking marijuana. It is why we penalize people who don’t have enough money to buy health insurance. It is why our government robs both the rich and the poor; because our Government believes they know best how we should live.”

    Totally with you about the ethnocentrism. I have also recently been reconsidering whether it does any good to have a government. It seems that it always results in the kind of authoritarianism where the authority figure thinks they know how to live the lives of others when they don’t even know those people. Also, taxation is stealing no matter how you look at it.

  12. Thanks for this. I was, long ago, very much like your young friend. I wasted time for a while, but soon “figured it out” and became a better person for having done so. In fact, I recommend “figuring it out” most days of the week.

  13. Kenneth — You know the Bible prohibits sex outside of marriage, and if you have any sense, you know why.

    Without even reading the Bible, we all have experiences with the problems. In college I had a roommate who liked to get his lady friends into bed. One thing he said left me in shock. He was counting the number of times he got gonorrhea. He thought he could sustain the damage to his sexual organs if he only got it twice.

    A phone conversation with one of his girl friends left me rather sad. She called, drunk and crying, looking for him. He just used her, and that was unkind, to say the least.

    Without a commitment, when we have sex with another person, we steal something from them. Without a commitment, when we have sex with another person, we are just spreading disease. Without a commitment, we take a gift, our ability to share a deeply felt pleasure with another person, and try to turn it into a mere trifling amusement. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes awhile before we realize just how destructive (that includes self-destructive) that can be.

  14. This is a very interesting topic for discussion. If his values are so different from hers the relationship is doomed anyway so they could go their separate ways and find more compatible partners.

  15. I think it a bit odd that you jump from a friend’s interpersonal issue to a diatribe about Child Protective Services. Parents usually do a better job of taking care of children than the state does, but when parents are grossly negligent, the state, imperfect though it be, steps in. You may call that ethnocentric, but I would imagine that in cases of gross parental negligence, that outcome is preferable to allowing the neglect to continue.

  16. I wish people would quit using the Bible to justify their own beliefs!

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